Secrets and Betrayal

Some women feel betrayed by their bodies after having a miscarriage and some women do not want to talk about it and keep it a secret that only they and their close family and friends will share.  


With both of my miscarriages, I searched for answers.  Did I do something wrong?  Did I not notice the symptoms and why?  Could I have done something different to change the outcome?  Am I not meant to have kids?  Is something wrong with me?


My Body Betrayed Me, Twice
For me, miscarriage made me question my whole life.  I didn't continue with my education after my bachelor's degree because my DH and I wanted to settle down and start a family.  It's been just over 2 years now that I stopped BC and we still have not been able to bring a baby home.  It seems everyone is having babies, #2 and #4 etc etc, but we are still dreaming of taking one of our babies home with us.  It just doesn't seem fair that we want kids so much and my body has not been successful at carrying a baby to term.  As I look at other young mothers with babies I feel betrayed by my body for not allowing me what I feel I want and need so badly.  


With my first m/c @ 8wks December 2010 they said it was likely due to chromosomal abnormalities and that it was unlikely to occur again.  I eventually came to terms with what happened and thought  "ok, I can get through this, heal and then have a successful pregnancy next time".  
With my second m/c @ 18wk5d on 5/24/11 I never ever expected anything to go wrong.  We were celebrating every day that we had a baby on the way.  Then suddenly, things just turned for the worst and before we even could comprehend it, we had lost our precious baby girl.  We never saw it coming and never expected it to happen.  Both times, I was never aware of the things that could go wrong. 


I feel broken and lost right now.
I feel betrayed and confused.
I feel angry and spiteful.
But most importantly sometimes I also feel hopeful and strong.  


No More Secrets
At some point in the grieving process I seem to lose myself and forget who I am….or maybe it's just the new "me" forming?  Well, I've found that I begin to understand myself more when I can talk about how I feel and what I went through.  


People who have not been through a miscarriage personally are unlikely to understand, and of course, this is through no fault of their own.  It is a complicated process that too many women know all too well.  You go through so many different layers of grief that, along with all the hormones raging through your body, you feel emotionally unstable at best.  I feel strong one minute and then I'm sobbing the next… This is enough to confuse the average person and make them turn away assuming that we just need to be left alone.  Sometimes that is true, we do need to be alone sometimes BUT many times we need someone to talk to.  Someone to send us a message on Facebook or a text message just asking about how we are doing or even what happened.  One person had the courage to ask me what happened after my second m/c and I can't tell you how much I appreciated that.  Even if she was just curious, but as a mother, I'm sure that she can imagine the pain, at least a little bit.  
People kept telling me that they were here to talk or to let them know if I needed anything but I truly think once I did talk to some of them that they didn't know what to say and the conversation ended leaving me alone yet again.  We love to hear our children's names, my daughter's name was Lindsey Nichole.  Of course it hurts to hear their names too and we may cry but we want to know that you haven't forgotten our children either.

With my first loss, I was embarrassed to tell our family and friends that we had lost our baby.  I felt foolish for telling everyone so early and asked people not to talk about it, to me or anyone else.  Of course, people talk and people find out but it ended up an unspoken knowledge between friends and family.
Just recently, after we lost Lindsey, I became more open to talk about it.  I want to remember my babies and feel that everyone else should know about them too.  I no longer feel the need to keep it "secret and private".  I strongly feel that those of us who have gone through a loss in the past can help those who may have a loss in the future.  As most of us who have had a loss have found, only those who have experienced the pain first hand can truly understand and are able to offer real words of comfort and are able to let you know that you are not alone.  


My DH
He is the MOST important person in my life especially at a time like this.  If you are lucky enough to have a DH like him you know what I mean.  When I feel weak he is always there to help me feel strong.  Even if I just need someone to listen, hold me and wipe away my tears, he is always there.  He is hurting from the same loss as I am but in a different way.  I really believe only a mother can feel the pain that I am feeling but I know he is feeling a pain that only a father can.  He is watching his wife grieve after losing their babies.  He watched me hurt when they took my blood multiple times a day in the hospital even when I had no veins left, he watched me squirm in agony from back pain while I was on SBR, he watched me fight for our daughter's life, he held me when I cried after hearing our dear daughter's death sentence, he watched me bleed on the delivery bed as I held our tiny daughter in my arms and together we watched her tiny heart beat for over two hours before she passed.  I know he is in pain too and I wish I could take that away.  I wish I could have him by my side every minute of every day.  Communication is the most important thing in a marriage and in the grieving process, so please use your DH to help you heal!

How Do I Feel Today?

It's not okay and it will never be okay.
I miss people asking me about my baby.
I miss my baby bump.

I miss my baby girl.
I miss her being with me every day, from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep at night she was with me.
I miss knowing that she is safe inside of me.
I miss the milestones that I had mapped out in my mind, the first time I would feel her kick, making a baby registry, painting the nursery, spending the holidays with her.
I even miss my maternity pants and I still can't fit into my old jeans comfortably.

I'm so sad that during my birthday this year I was supposed to be expecting her to make her entrance into this world and into my arms but now I will just be missing her.

I miss all the pregnancy symptoms that I had, even the bad ones like vomiting, nausea, heartburn, frequent urination, fatigue and headaches.

I miss my husband kissing my stomach goodnight and good morning.
I miss telling her goodnight as I rubbed my baby bump.
I miss my growing belly.

I hate that I still have all of these physical reminders of being pregnant.  

I hate that people pretend that this never happened and that our baby doesn't exist.
I hate that I will never have a normal pregnancy and that I will never experience the true joy of pregnancy because of the fear and doubts that will always be in the back of my mind.
I hate that I didn't know soon enough to do anything.
I hate that I can't find a reason my baby was taken from me.
I hate that I can't be sure that the future will bring me a healthy and strong baby next time.

I love that my husband is so supportive and is always there for me.
I love how concerned he is about me and that he makes me feel safe.
I love that I can be so strong sometimes.
I love that we are hopeful for the future.

Sometimes we feel lost and alone.
Sometimes we feel like crawling into a hole
Sometimes we feel hopeful
And sometimes we feel strong.

Abbreviations

Abbreviations you may find being used on the blog.

AF: Aunt Flo
BBT: Basal Body Temperature
BD: Baby Dance - Sex
BFN: Big Fat Negative
BFP: Big Fat Positive
CD: Cycle Day
DH: Dear Husband
DPO: Days Past Ovulation
DTD: Do the Deed
EDD: Estimated Due Date or Expected Date of Delivery
FTM: First Time Mom
HPT: Home Pregnancy Test
IC: Incompetent Cervix
L&D: Labor and Delivery
LO: Little One
MC or M/C: Miscarriage
O: Ovulation
O'd: Ovulated
OPK: Ovulation Predictor Kit
OT: Off Topic
PG: Pregnant or Pregnancy
TMI: Too Much Information
TTC: trying to conceive
US or U/S: Ultrasound

The Purpose

This blog was created to help me and other women in similar situations heal and share information and experiences.  This blog was created to be a therapeutic outlet for me during my time of loss.  Please be sensitive to me and any others who leave comments on this blog.

I hope to increase awareness about miscarriage and the real women it happens to.
Miscarriage is a very personal experience but I hope to help others be able to discuss it more openly as I feel it helps create awareness and helps those of us heal who have experienced it.  I believe that all women should be aware of the signs, symptoms and real possibility of miscarriage.  I believe that everyone should take control of their medical care while collaborating with medical doctors to provide you with the best possible care.  If you don't understand what the doctor is telling you, ASK!  I encourage everyone to know as much as possible about their medical conditions, side effects and risks for their own safety and for the safety of their children and family.
One thing I have learned during this process is that all doctors are different and they all have different opinions, just like you and I.  One may tell you "yes, it is possible" while another may say "absolutely not".  That doesn't mean that either doctor is uneducated or doesn't care, they simply disagree and your best bet is to find out why they think what they do and choose the doctor that best fits your needs.

In no way am I giving medical advice on this blog, just sharing my experiences.