Lindsey's Birthday - 5/24/11

I was on strict bed rest (SBR) ever since they had found I was dilated.  This meant that I was not able to get out of bed for any reason.  I was lying with my feet about 15 degrees higher than my head, trying to keep that bag of water in.  I did not argue, I knew that this was the best thing for our baby.  It was hard but I was willing to do it for at least the next 6 weeks, until we reached viability and more if I needed to.  I was in pain from my back aching, my muscles were so sore and they eventually put on leg compressors to keep my blood flowing so I had a lesser chance of getting a blood clot in my legs.  If I had to go to the bathroom, I had to use a bedpan.  I had a pad on because ever since they did a pelvic exam I had been bleeding constantly but every day it was decreasing.  I couldn’t take a shower so DH and the nurses had to wash me in bed, change my sheets with me still in bed and wash my hair in a little inflatable wash bin.  I had to learn to eat and drink in that position too.  It was not as challenging as I had thought it would be.  

I did all of this without complaining, without anger and with a lot of patience.   I found a new side to myself that week.  I was kind, friendly, hopeful, patient and thankful.  I never once raised my voice or got angry with DH or a nurse.  I was just always so thankful for what they were doing for my baby and I.   I am not generally a very patient person and I am usually pretty sarcastic but these events just softened me.  

There were times when we had hope.  We kept hope alive, maybe for our own sanity?  We couldn’t come to terms with what the doctors and nurses had subtly been telling us; that we were going to deliver this baby too early.  They told us many times that there was less than a 10% chance of me not going into labor.  The infection in my uterus would likely cause my water to break and cause me to go into labor. The other possibility, which I really dreaded, was that they may have to induce me if my infection got too bad.  They kept telling us, as the days went by, that they were surprised I hadn’t gone into labor yet.  I was fighting, I am a fighter and so was Lindsey.  

We talked about what it would be like to have me at home on SBR for so many more months and how we would handle it.  One nurse tried to find out what our wishes were once the baby was born, would we want to hold it?  Should they call the Haven Network to take pictures?  We were in denial and I was trying to separate myself.  The nurse asked us when it was late, I think I had already taken an Ambien and don’t even remember the conversation really.  Apparently, as I learned later, we originally told her that we didn’t want to see the baby or take pictures.  I don’t remember that but everyone else kept bringing up that fact after everything was over.  This irritates me because I don't remember telling the nurses this.  I do remember telling my DH this when I initially got the news but I think that was normal to want to protect yourself and separate yourself from the events that were taking place.    

Monday came, my wbc count wasn’t really going down anymore.  It had went back up to 15,000.  My doctor came and saw us, again giving us hope saying she was going to talk to the high risk doctor and possibly get a cerclage scheduled.  A few hours went by and then my doctor called us on the phone to tell us there was no hope.  She actually told me "I'm hoping you go into labor soon".  She didn't explain what was happening very well and all I remember hearing is that my baby was going to die.  

I was hysterical and a nurse had to come in to calm me down and offer reassurance that there was still hope.  Now, I think that she was just trying to keep me positive and not let me get hysterical or depressed.  My temperature slowly went up all day.  I had a headache.  In the evening, between 8-10pm I slowly got worse.  The infection started to take over.  I was sweating and had chills.  The nurses took my temperature for the last time and it was 102 I think.

I went back to L&D and had a pelvic exam.  They said the baby was definitely coming now.  My DH called my mom and sisters and his parents to come see the baby for the little time she would be with us.  The nurses called the Haven Network.  I had taken an Ambien already thinking I was going to sleep.  I asked for something for the pain, I didn't know how much pain I would have but some of the doctors I had seen before had said I could have one when the time came.  Now, my doctor just stared at me like I was insane for asking and then finally agreed to dilaudid.  They only gave me a small amount to begin with but eventually had to increase it because of the pain I was in.  

Our precious Lindsey was born around 1:20am.  They told me she would just come out, just like that but it actually took me at least an hour of pushing before she was born.  I didn't have pain during the delivery but it did take a lot of effort.  The doctor was silent when she was born so we didn't know right away, the doctor issues we had are another story which I will address later.  The nurse took her and cleaned her up.  I was anxious to see her but the doctor was concentrated on getting the placenta out.  It was still partially attached so they needed to wait to see if it would come out otherwise I would have to have a d&c.  

When the handed me my daughter, all I could do was smile.  She was so perfect, so little and she was our baby.  I remember feeling this indescribable sense of love and pride.  I remember those feelings when I start missing her and it always makes me smile.  I always wondered what it would feel like to hold our baby in my arms but I never thought I would find out this soon…  

The nurse came in and tried to pull the cord to see if it was looser and would come out, but she broke the cord and it went back inside of me.  The doctor was furious.  This began the pain, they tried to use a spectrum that was too big, making me squirm in pain.  It felt like they had inserted a knife into me.  The doctor found a smaller one and then I have no idea what she was doing but whatever it was felt like she was trying to do a d&c right there in L&D.  I began crying and whining that it hurt too much.  I seriously considered kicking the doctor to make her stop.  The nurse asked if she could give me more dilaudid and when she did I was able to sit a little more still.  It still hurt but it helped me relax.  DH was holding my hand and trying to help me hold onto Lindsey.  I was so concerned about dropping her.  The placenta eventually came out after they administered some kind of meds.  

My DH and I watched our little girl's strong heartbeat beat for two hours and ten minutes.  She tried to move her mouth twice, maybe trying to breath?  We were amazed at how long she continued to fight.  We were so proud of her for being so strong.  The nurse confirmed that she was perfect and well developed for her very young age.  We looked over her tiny body, her 10 fingers and 10 toes, her tiny nose, lips and ears.  We held her, kissed her, talked to and cuddled her until her little heart stopped beating.  We wanted her to feel our love and I like to think that she did.  

Our parents came in and took turns holding her.  The Haven Network took beautiful pictures that I cherish to this day.  Once everyone left and we were alone again, DH and I held her for about another hour before saying goodbye to her for the last time and handing her over to the nurse.  I hate remembering that moment, of leaving my little girl.  I would do anything to have more time with her and hold her once again.