Getting Closer

Very day that passes brings me closer to TTC again.
Lindsey never leaves me, I think about her day and night and miss her every second.  A part of me feels guilty for TTC again, it will only have been 2 months on the 24th of July since she was born.  She has inspired me to continue the TTC journey.  The love that I felt for her and the love that I saw DH feel for her made me realize how much we do want to be parents and how much we want to bring a baby home with us.
I had always said that if I had a second miscarriage that I wouldn't try anymore.  I couldn't bear the thought of going through that again.  However, here I sit, almost two months after giving birth to our 18w5d old daughter due to IC thinking about trying again.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes I wonder why I'm putting myself through this and how I got here.  I can think back and remember how I used to think, how our life used to be and I can see how much both DH and I have changed.  Sometimes I miss my high school life, I miss my college life and I miss my naive and optimistic TTC journey of years ago.  I like who DH and I are today, I could just do with a little less tragedy.  I would like to think that after all of the heartache that things can only get better, but usually when I think that way I'm quickly brought back to real world.
I know too much about life, too much about TTC and too much about pregnancy.  It is great to know so much because only then can you make good decisions about your medical care but at the same time it takes a little, no a lot, of the joy out of it.

I know once I am pregnant again that I will have to work hard every day.  As I told DH, we are going to celebrate the next baby and the next pregnancy as much as we did the last.  We are not going to let the fear take away our happiness and we are going to try to be optimistic but logical.  I know I will struggle some days but I know that we are both strong and that we will get through it.  When I struggle, I remember Lindsey and how much we love her and how happy we were to hold her in our arms.  She pushes me to keep going and to move forward and to try again.  I feel like her sacrifice will help her brother/sister have a better chance at survival and that she will be largely responsible for helping us have a family.  I feel like I need to make sure she had a purpose her on earth, but in the end, she did so much in so many different ways.

Hope
Life is a gift and every moment in time is a miracle to cherish.