EDD is estimated/expected date of delivery. Yes, my previous EDD is approaching rather quickly which makes me emotional as it does for all women who have lost a baby.
For some reason I continuously feel as if people don't think that we are still grieving from our loss. Let me tell you a little secret, we still are and will continue to do so for a very very long time. Just because we can smile and laugh doesn't mean that we are over it or have forgotten.
No, we don't want to hear about someone you know who is expecting or if someone had their baby. If I don't see them on a regular basis you shouldn't tell me or my DH about it. All this does is remind us that we are not expecting and that we were supposed to be having a baby in about a month and a half now. On Facebook, if someone I know is pregnant or has recently had a baby their posts are probably blocked for the time being. This is actually a common thing for women to do after a miscarriage or pregnancy loss and it will take a while for me to unblock those posts. It's not that I am angry at those people for having healthy pregnancies and babies, it's just that it hurts to see right now.
Let me make it very clear, we are happy for you if you are pregnant or have kids and we are so thankful that you have never had to experience the pain that we have.
It's not that I don't want to be told if we are friends and you find yourself expecting because we do. We want to celebrate with you but it will still be emotional for us. Our feelings right now are so complicated that it is hard to explain and even harder to comprehend. Just be gentle, be sensitive and try to understand that we are on a roller coaster of emotions and will be for quite some time.
I think the biggest emotion that I feel is ultimately jealousy. I am jealous of those who can have babies so easily and be pregnant without the worries of complications. I just feel that we are stuck in this rut and that people continuously pass by us but we are just stuck there waiting to be set free. I don't know when or how that is going to happen but I hope that it is soon.
Right now I am trying to keep busy and enjoy the seasons changing. Visiting the Apple Orchard, baking and cooking with produce that is in season, enjoying the weather and even camping. I start my painting class Tuesday night and I think that it helps just to be able to do something for myself. Since May I have quit a lot of things, dog training, volunteering with a raptor (bird) rehab and had quit painting. I miss all of those things but have chosen not to overwhelm myself at this time and am trying to keep things simple.
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
First Steps
Wednesday July 27th I will have my first diagnostic test, an SHG or sonohysterogram.
This is a diagnostic test used to look inside the uterus to identify any abnormalities. While we are not expecting anything unusual but I am still nervous about the possibilities and the procedure itself.
My plan is to focus on learning about what I am seeing on the u/s screen and to ask a lot of questions. This will distract me from any discomfort I feel and hopefully help me relax. I'm sure it will all be over before I know it, but I just hate procedures! I better get used to them because they aren't going to stop any time soon…...
Today is really not helping my anxieties. I feel like crawling into bed and sleeping for the rest of the week! I am irritated and emotional. I haven't really felt this way since the raging hormones of my last pregnancy and it's not something I enjoy experiencing unless I'm pregnant! I actually think it's PMS!
I am hoping that we will be getting the green light to TTC again after tomorrow's SHG. That is, if my doctor and I are on the same page and I have no reason to not believe she is. I am about 7 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight still but I have been making progress over this past month and continue to lose weight. My plan is to continue exercising as long as I am physically able to!
This appt. and the possibility of TTC again this month are bringing on a whole new set of emotions. I am thrilled but at the same time terrified. However, my old routines have resumed and I am in a better place than I was a month ago. I am still completely devastated when thinking about the loss of our Lindsey but I've been able to deal with those emotions as they come and go, but also to focus on my life and every day activities better than ever.
Wish me luck for tomorrow!
This is a diagnostic test used to look inside the uterus to identify any abnormalities. While we are not expecting anything unusual but I am still nervous about the possibilities and the procedure itself.
My plan is to focus on learning about what I am seeing on the u/s screen and to ask a lot of questions. This will distract me from any discomfort I feel and hopefully help me relax. I'm sure it will all be over before I know it, but I just hate procedures! I better get used to them because they aren't going to stop any time soon…...
Today is really not helping my anxieties. I feel like crawling into bed and sleeping for the rest of the week! I am irritated and emotional. I haven't really felt this way since the raging hormones of my last pregnancy and it's not something I enjoy experiencing unless I'm pregnant! I actually think it's PMS!
I am hoping that we will be getting the green light to TTC again after tomorrow's SHG. That is, if my doctor and I are on the same page and I have no reason to not believe she is. I am about 7 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight still but I have been making progress over this past month and continue to lose weight. My plan is to continue exercising as long as I am physically able to!
This appt. and the possibility of TTC again this month are bringing on a whole new set of emotions. I am thrilled but at the same time terrified. However, my old routines have resumed and I am in a better place than I was a month ago. I am still completely devastated when thinking about the loss of our Lindsey but I've been able to deal with those emotions as they come and go, but also to focus on my life and every day activities better than ever.
Wish me luck for tomorrow!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Getting Closer
Very day that passes brings me closer to TTC again.
Lindsey never leaves me, I think about her day and night and miss her every second. A part of me feels guilty for TTC again, it will only have been 2 months on the 24th of July since she was born. She has inspired me to continue the TTC journey. The love that I felt for her and the love that I saw DH feel for her made me realize how much we do want to be parents and how much we want to bring a baby home with us.
I had always said that if I had a second miscarriage that I wouldn't try anymore. I couldn't bear the thought of going through that again. However, here I sit, almost two months after giving birth to our 18w5d old daughter due to IC thinking about trying again. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I wonder why I'm putting myself through this and how I got here. I can think back and remember how I used to think, how our life used to be and I can see how much both DH and I have changed. Sometimes I miss my high school life, I miss my college life and I miss my naive and optimistic TTC journey of years ago. I like who DH and I are today, I could just do with a little less tragedy. I would like to think that after all of the heartache that things can only get better, but usually when I think that way I'm quickly brought back to real world.
I know too much about life, too much about TTC and too much about pregnancy. It is great to know so much because only then can you make good decisions about your medical care but at the same time it takes a little, no a lot, of the joy out of it.
I know once I am pregnant again that I will have to work hard every day. As I told DH, we are going to celebrate the next baby and the next pregnancy as much as we did the last. We are not going to let the fear take away our happiness and we are going to try to be optimistic but logical. I know I will struggle some days but I know that we are both strong and that we will get through it. When I struggle, I remember Lindsey and how much we love her and how happy we were to hold her in our arms. She pushes me to keep going and to move forward and to try again. I feel like her sacrifice will help her brother/sister have a better chance at survival and that she will be largely responsible for helping us have a family. I feel like I need to make sure she had a purpose her on earth, but in the end, she did so much in so many different ways.
Hope
Life is a gift and every moment in time is a miracle to cherish.
Lindsey never leaves me, I think about her day and night and miss her every second. A part of me feels guilty for TTC again, it will only have been 2 months on the 24th of July since she was born. She has inspired me to continue the TTC journey. The love that I felt for her and the love that I saw DH feel for her made me realize how much we do want to be parents and how much we want to bring a baby home with us.
I had always said that if I had a second miscarriage that I wouldn't try anymore. I couldn't bear the thought of going through that again. However, here I sit, almost two months after giving birth to our 18w5d old daughter due to IC thinking about trying again. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I wonder why I'm putting myself through this and how I got here. I can think back and remember how I used to think, how our life used to be and I can see how much both DH and I have changed. Sometimes I miss my high school life, I miss my college life and I miss my naive and optimistic TTC journey of years ago. I like who DH and I are today, I could just do with a little less tragedy. I would like to think that after all of the heartache that things can only get better, but usually when I think that way I'm quickly brought back to real world.
I know too much about life, too much about TTC and too much about pregnancy. It is great to know so much because only then can you make good decisions about your medical care but at the same time it takes a little, no a lot, of the joy out of it.
I know once I am pregnant again that I will have to work hard every day. As I told DH, we are going to celebrate the next baby and the next pregnancy as much as we did the last. We are not going to let the fear take away our happiness and we are going to try to be optimistic but logical. I know I will struggle some days but I know that we are both strong and that we will get through it. When I struggle, I remember Lindsey and how much we love her and how happy we were to hold her in our arms. She pushes me to keep going and to move forward and to try again. I feel like her sacrifice will help her brother/sister have a better chance at survival and that she will be largely responsible for helping us have a family. I feel like I need to make sure she had a purpose her on earth, but in the end, she did so much in so many different ways.
Hope
Life is a gift and every moment in time is a miracle to cherish.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Still Moving Forward
I have been doing better and better each week. I don't think it is getting easier, just different. I can focus on other things more often but I still haven't quite been able to feel as much joy as I had since I lost her. I used to see and appreciate the beauty in the smallest of things; flowers, the blue sky, the sunshine, etc. Now when I see something beautiful it seems to remind me of her, when I'm in a good mood I can see those things and feel strong because I've made it through such a difficult thing but sometimes I see those things and it makes me sad to remember that she is gone.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and what we've lost. I've found that just taking care of myself makes me feel more at peace. I try to stay relaxed and not get overly stressed or think about the future too much. With this mindset, the weeks have been flying by. I'm not sure how I feel about that? It brings me further and further away from the last time I had Lindsey in my arms but at the same time it brings me closer and closer to being able TTC again. I know that Lindsey is with us and I'd like to think she will be with our next baby as well. I know that the next baby will be a brand new separate individual but I hope that Lindsey will help him or her grow and be as healthy as she was.
One of my many therapies is reading blogs and visiting forums on BBC. I love to hear success stories about women who have been through similar situations that are now having healthy and full term pregnancies. I also enjoy helping others deal with their grief and reassuring them that we are here for them and that they are not alone. I have also been enjoying painting. That is one thing that I can just get totally relaxed doing.
I've been working more and more lately. I'm finding that I am missing being at home when I work a lot or I work long shifts. There is just something about taking care of our house that I find comforting and maybe it's just because I'm a control freak!?! Whatever it is, I like the feeling of accomplishment when I get things done around the house. I guess our home has also been my safe place for the past 6 months and that's why I've been clinging to it.
I am getting an SHG sonohysterogram on July 27th. They are going to check my cervix and uterus for any abnormalities to make sure that I am structurally "normal". I am hoping to get the green light to TTC after that. I haven't really reached my weight goal yet, about 10 more pounds to go, so that may put us back a month sadly. Which reminds me, I better go get on that treadmill right now, well as soon as I finish my coffee!
Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and what we've lost. I've found that just taking care of myself makes me feel more at peace. I try to stay relaxed and not get overly stressed or think about the future too much. With this mindset, the weeks have been flying by. I'm not sure how I feel about that? It brings me further and further away from the last time I had Lindsey in my arms but at the same time it brings me closer and closer to being able TTC again. I know that Lindsey is with us and I'd like to think she will be with our next baby as well. I know that the next baby will be a brand new separate individual but I hope that Lindsey will help him or her grow and be as healthy as she was.
One of my many therapies is reading blogs and visiting forums on BBC. I love to hear success stories about women who have been through similar situations that are now having healthy and full term pregnancies. I also enjoy helping others deal with their grief and reassuring them that we are here for them and that they are not alone. I have also been enjoying painting. That is one thing that I can just get totally relaxed doing.
I've been working more and more lately. I'm finding that I am missing being at home when I work a lot or I work long shifts. There is just something about taking care of our house that I find comforting and maybe it's just because I'm a control freak!?! Whatever it is, I like the feeling of accomplishment when I get things done around the house. I guess our home has also been my safe place for the past 6 months and that's why I've been clinging to it.
I am getting an SHG sonohysterogram on July 27th. They are going to check my cervix and uterus for any abnormalities to make sure that I am structurally "normal". I am hoping to get the green light to TTC after that. I haven't really reached my weight goal yet, about 10 more pounds to go, so that may put us back a month sadly. Which reminds me, I better go get on that treadmill right now, well as soon as I finish my coffee!
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