Still Moving Forward

I have been doing better and better each week.  I don't think it is getting easier, just different.  I can focus on other things more often but I still haven't quite been able to feel as much joy as I had since I lost her.  I used to see and appreciate the beauty in the smallest of things; flowers, the blue sky, the sunshine, etc.  Now when I see something beautiful it seems to remind me of her, when I'm in a good mood I can see those things and feel strong because I've made it through such a difficult thing but sometimes I see those things and it makes me sad to remember that she is gone. 


Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and what we've lost.  I've found that just taking care of myself makes me feel more at peace.  I try to stay relaxed and not get overly stressed or think about the future too much.  With this mindset, the weeks have been flying by.  I'm not sure how I feel about that?  It brings me further and further away from the last time I had Lindsey in my arms but at the same time it brings me closer and closer to being able TTC again.  I know that Lindsey is with us and I'd like to think she will be with our next baby as well.  I know that the next baby will be a brand new separate individual but I hope that Lindsey will help him or her grow and be as healthy as she was.  


One of my many therapies is reading blogs and visiting forums on BBC.  I love to hear success stories about women who have been through similar situations that are now having healthy and full term pregnancies.  I also enjoy helping others deal with their grief and reassuring them that we are here for them and that they are not alone.  I have also been enjoying painting. That is one thing that I can just get totally relaxed doing.  


I've been working more and more lately.  I'm finding that I am missing being at home when I work a lot or I work long shifts.  There is just something about taking care of our house that I find comforting and maybe it's just because I'm a control freak!?!  Whatever it is, I like the feeling of accomplishment when I get things done around the house.  I guess our home has also been my safe place for the past 6 months and that's why I've been clinging to it.  


I am getting an SHG sonohysterogram on July 27th.  They are going to check my cervix and uterus for any abnormalities to make sure that I am structurally "normal".  I am hoping to get the green light to TTC after that.  I haven't really reached my weight goal yet, about 10 more pounds to go, so that may put us back a month sadly.  Which reminds me, I better go get on that treadmill right now, well as soon as I finish my coffee!