Getting Closer

Very day that passes brings me closer to TTC again.
Lindsey never leaves me, I think about her day and night and miss her every second.  A part of me feels guilty for TTC again, it will only have been 2 months on the 24th of July since she was born.  She has inspired me to continue the TTC journey.  The love that I felt for her and the love that I saw DH feel for her made me realize how much we do want to be parents and how much we want to bring a baby home with us.
I had always said that if I had a second miscarriage that I wouldn't try anymore.  I couldn't bear the thought of going through that again.  However, here I sit, almost two months after giving birth to our 18w5d old daughter due to IC thinking about trying again.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes I wonder why I'm putting myself through this and how I got here.  I can think back and remember how I used to think, how our life used to be and I can see how much both DH and I have changed.  Sometimes I miss my high school life, I miss my college life and I miss my naive and optimistic TTC journey of years ago.  I like who DH and I are today, I could just do with a little less tragedy.  I would like to think that after all of the heartache that things can only get better, but usually when I think that way I'm quickly brought back to real world.
I know too much about life, too much about TTC and too much about pregnancy.  It is great to know so much because only then can you make good decisions about your medical care but at the same time it takes a little, no a lot, of the joy out of it.

I know once I am pregnant again that I will have to work hard every day.  As I told DH, we are going to celebrate the next baby and the next pregnancy as much as we did the last.  We are not going to let the fear take away our happiness and we are going to try to be optimistic but logical.  I know I will struggle some days but I know that we are both strong and that we will get through it.  When I struggle, I remember Lindsey and how much we love her and how happy we were to hold her in our arms.  She pushes me to keep going and to move forward and to try again.  I feel like her sacrifice will help her brother/sister have a better chance at survival and that she will be largely responsible for helping us have a family.  I feel like I need to make sure she had a purpose her on earth, but in the end, she did so much in so many different ways.

Hope
Life is a gift and every moment in time is a miracle to cherish.

Rose Buds

In the most beautiful gardens, though carefully tended by the most skillful botanist, there is an occasional rose that buds, but never opens. In all respects the rose is like all the others but some unseen cause keeps it from blooming. It wilts and fades away without coming to its radiant unfolding. What happens in nature's garden occasionally happens also in the garden of God's human family. A baby begins its life, beautiful, precious...but with some unseen, mysterious band sealing that life so that it can never come to its rightful unfolding. This child, too, like the bud that never fully opens, gradually fades away to be gathered back into God's heavenly garden of souls where all imperfections are made perfect; all injustices are made right, all mysteries are explained, and all sorrows turned into happiness.


Shared on BBC 7/18/11

Still Moving Forward

I have been doing better and better each week.  I don't think it is getting easier, just different.  I can focus on other things more often but I still haven't quite been able to feel as much joy as I had since I lost her.  I used to see and appreciate the beauty in the smallest of things; flowers, the blue sky, the sunshine, etc.  Now when I see something beautiful it seems to remind me of her, when I'm in a good mood I can see those things and feel strong because I've made it through such a difficult thing but sometimes I see those things and it makes me sad to remember that she is gone. 


Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and what we've lost.  I've found that just taking care of myself makes me feel more at peace.  I try to stay relaxed and not get overly stressed or think about the future too much.  With this mindset, the weeks have been flying by.  I'm not sure how I feel about that?  It brings me further and further away from the last time I had Lindsey in my arms but at the same time it brings me closer and closer to being able TTC again.  I know that Lindsey is with us and I'd like to think she will be with our next baby as well.  I know that the next baby will be a brand new separate individual but I hope that Lindsey will help him or her grow and be as healthy as she was.  


One of my many therapies is reading blogs and visiting forums on BBC.  I love to hear success stories about women who have been through similar situations that are now having healthy and full term pregnancies.  I also enjoy helping others deal with their grief and reassuring them that we are here for them and that they are not alone.  I have also been enjoying painting. That is one thing that I can just get totally relaxed doing.  


I've been working more and more lately.  I'm finding that I am missing being at home when I work a lot or I work long shifts.  There is just something about taking care of our house that I find comforting and maybe it's just because I'm a control freak!?!  Whatever it is, I like the feeling of accomplishment when I get things done around the house.  I guess our home has also been my safe place for the past 6 months and that's why I've been clinging to it.  


I am getting an SHG sonohysterogram on July 27th.  They are going to check my cervix and uterus for any abnormalities to make sure that I am structurally "normal".  I am hoping to get the green light to TTC after that.  I haven't really reached my weight goal yet, about 10 more pounds to go, so that may put us back a month sadly.  Which reminds me, I better go get on that treadmill right now, well as soon as I finish my coffee!

Precious Little One

This poem was posted on Baby Center and it just really touched me!  Author unknown  

     Precious Little One 

    Precious, tiny little one

    You'll always be to me

    So perfect, pure and innocent -

    Part of Heaven's Family

    We dreamed of you and your life

    And all that it would be

    We waited and longed for you to come 

    And join our family

    We never had the chance to play, 

    To laugh, to rock, to wiggle

    We long to hold you, touch you now

    And listen to you giggle

    I'll always be your mother

    He'll always be your dad

    You'll always be our child

    The child that we had

    Now you're gone.......but yet you're here

    We sense you everywhere

    You're our sorrow and our joy

    There's love in every tear

     Just know our love goes deep and strong

     We'll forget you never

     The child we had but never had 

      And yet will have forever

Holidays

Wow, holidays are tough. I have to work at the 4th of July Festival in our town all day today.  Everywhere I look I swear there are pregnant women and kids.  I know they have always been there but I'm just noticing them now more than ever.  The little girls get to me the most, since I can see Lindsey's face in theirs.
I am now at home taking a break and I'm just exhausted and wishing this day was over.  I know a few ladies who have lost their LO have their previous EDD today and they are in my thoughts as well as I struggle to make it through the day.  I wish we could all be here together to hold each other up but I'm sure we are all thinking about each other!
I believe that every day; especially holidays, EDDs, and birthdays, will be a struggle.  I struggle to look at things in the same light as I did before.  I was always amazed by this world and the wonderful, beautiful things in it and now I struggle to see that sometimes.  I am struggling with anger and a deep deep sadness right now and that is making it hard to see the joy in things.  I know that I appreciate life and now truly understand how precious it is but that doesn't make it easier to live without my baby girl.

I just had to stop in and vent!  I'm just super sad right now and I needed to get my feelings out.  Thanks for listening and I hope I can post something inspiring and positive soon!

Surprise Emotions

This week was a rough.  Thursday I was supposed to be 24 weeks pregnant with Lindsey and all I could think about this weekend was that she was no longer here with us.  I went to a wedding with my DH.  He was in the wedding and I was not.  It's not that I'm usually clingy or needy but it was very rough on me to be away from DH while he was doing his "wedding things".  I had a lot of time, too much time, to think.  Of course, there was a very pregnant maid of honor and what I felt like was TONS of kids; babies, toddlers, children and not to mention pregnant women.  

This, of course, only made me remember what we had lost over this past year.  It also made me remember what our hopes and dreams were and made me realize we never ever thought we would be where we are today.  

Weddings should be a happy occasion and I'm sure they are for most.  For me, weddings are just another reminder of how happy we used to be, and how hopeful and innocent were.  We never imagined that our first pregnancy would end in miscarriage and that our second would end in our daughter's death.  We had always imagined having many kids, 5 was always what we had said we wanted, a big family. I never thought we would be struggled for one.  I tear up at weddings now, seeing how happy the couple is and knowing they are full of hopes and dreams and at the same time hoping they never feel the pain that we have.  

At this wedding I kept hearing baby talk; how many kids will you have?  How many strings did you break at the showers?  When will you have kids?  It broke my heart.  I just got that heavy feeling in my chest when I would hear these questions or just when I heard a child cry or laugh.  All I could do was stare back at a little boy when he grabbed my hand over the pew seat.  I don't even know for sure if I smiled, I think I just stared back at him awkwardly.  

At the reception I actually cried at one point.  The tears just came without warning and I could not control them.  As I sat with DH in the middle of the reception tears flowing from my eyes, apparently people were staring and watching as I struggled to hold myself together.  A few minutes later, a few close friends came over and asked if we were fighting or what was wrong because people were saying I was crying.  I only looked at them and said "I am allowed to cry anytime I want, I believe".  People just don't get that I'm not over it and that  I never will be.       

"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up -- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had."

- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

When Are You Going to Have Kids??

"When are you going to have kids?"
This is a question that I have been asked more times than I can count; before we were able to get pregnant, during my m/c and even now, after just losing Lindsey due to IC and infection.
I never knew how insensitive this question was until we were struggling to get pregnant.  We have no fertility issues that we know of, I just wasn't as in-tune with my body back then and no one had ever explained to me "how to get pregnant".
I had spent one and a half years of our marriage trying to prevent pregnancy because we didn't want to have a child while still in college.  I wonder to this day if the BC caused my inability to get pregnant from when we started trying in May 2009-September 2010 or if I really just finally understood my body?

It was always hurtful when asked by family members, friends and even people I didn't know when we were planning on having kids and how many we would have.  I now know that you can't always plan on when you will have kids and especially on how many you will have.  Both are so dependent on my body's cooperation right now.  I am a planner and it bothers me that I can't control or plan the timeline or outcomes, but I can educate myself and prepare my body!
I do believe that people are just so uneducated about their own bodies and miscarriage that they just don't understand how common it is or how the body works in general and how complicated and delicate the process of pregnancy is.

Just yesterday, just barely over a month after we lost Lindsey, someone actually asked me this.  "So when are you guys going to have kids????"  She didn't know what had happened and that I have had 2 losses, but still, really?  Haven't we suffered enough?  Why do we have to go through a situation like that?  So of course I told her that I just lost my daughter last month so yeah…..  It was very strange actually, she changed the subject to herself and her kids and went on talking, laughing and smiling like nothing ever happened.  I just wanted to say "I just told you my daughter died and all you can do is talk about yourself?!".  I understand that it is awkward for people who don't understand what we are going through but all I want is to be comforted and listened to.  For some reason talking about it helps me.  I always want people to know that there was not anything wrong with my baby and that it was me.  It was my body that was messed up and let my little girl down and that I couldn't keep her safe.  I want everyone to know that she was perfect.  All of our children are perfect, beautiful and precious to us and we want to tell that to the world and we want to the world to remember them.

"When Are You Going to Have Kids??"
I just wish I could tell everyone about why this question is inappropriate to ask anyone and tell them how much pain it can cause.

1 Month

Today marks 1 month since the day Lindsey came into this world; the same day she grew her wings.
I wouldn't say the pain is easier.  Like I have heard many other women say, it's just different.  You somehow get better at dealing with the pain, but it is no duller or easier than it ever was.  Sometimes I think it hurts more?

She would have been 23 weeks yesterday if she were still safe inside of me.  I would be feeling her move around and watching my belly grow.  Lately, I have been remembering the days when I was pregnant with her.  I was so happy, so optimistic, so innocent, so hopeful…  I'm really not sure if I have even come close to feeling that happiness I felt when I was pregnant.  That scares me and makes me worry that I may never feel that same way again.  Everything was brighter and more beautiful when I felt that way.  I think now my happiness comes from keeping busy, getting things done and my DH.  I still laugh and smile but the joy I felt back then is just missing.

I think about it all less.  That makes me feel guilty, like I'm forgetting her, although I know I will never forget.  I keep busy and that keeps my mind from lingering on the pain and sadness.  I have no idea how the days have been going by so quickly.  Sometimes I'm thankful for that but other times I'm sad that the world just keeps on going, dragging me along with it even though my world and Lindsey's world has stopped.

The greatest joy in my life is my DH.  I would not smile and carry on every day if it weren't for him.  We cling to each other.  This has all brought us closer even though I didn't think that was possible but it seems every day we love each other a little more.

Lindsey,
I want to tell you how much we miss you.  We would do anything to have you back and give you the chance you so much deserve.  We thank you for all that you have done and all the joy you brought to our lives.  You have brought your Mommy and Daddy closer together.  You have given us the knowledge to give our future babies, your future brothers or sisters, a better chance at life than we could give you.  We will forever remember the happiness we felt when we met you and held you for the first time.  We are so proud of you, you were so strong and beautiful.  We will ever be grateful for you and we will always love you.  I know we will meet again someday.
Love Mom

Reminders

Those little reminders, you know what I'm talking about, those little things that just bring you back to thinking what was supposed to be.  The littlest thing can bring you back and remind you what was supposed to be happening in your life right now.

You were supposed to be so many weeks along today, your LO was supposed to be kicking and moving about safe in your belly, you were supposed to be planning the nursery, picking a name and it goes on and on.  We all do it, every major event that was planned during our pregnancy; weddings, family parties, holidays, birthdays, we all know how far along we would be, how big our bellies would likely be and what we would wear,  how old our baby was supposed to be for this or that and now we are just left at those events feeling empty and remembering what was supposed to be.   

Listening to someone else talk yesterday about their baby that is due at the same EDD as our Lindsey was supposed to be due just brought me back to a dark place.  They were talking about what they would do when the baby came, what their work schedules would be, who would watch the baby and more.  I felt like screaming.  You don't want to hear about other people's happy babies and pregnancies or hear brag stories about their children less than a month after you just lost yours.  Every child's face reminds me of hers, every child's cry or laugh makes me cringe inside.  It sounds selfish and I feel selfish and sometimes terrible for not caring about the happy parents and babies that are here on earth today but I really can't help it.  

It's almost been a month since the day I gave birth to our daughter, the same day she grew her wings….

I can just lay here for hours remembering the happiness I felt while being pregnant with her, when I had her in my life.  That happiness makes me cry now because I remember how confident I was that we would carry this baby to term.  It reminds me how naive and innocent I was to think that nothing else could possibly go wrong and that we were safe, that it was a sure thing.  It makes me sad that I will no longer "just enjoy" pregnancy, that I will live in fear every day during my next pregnancy.  

I cannot explain the pain.  It is deep, everlasting and always present.  Sometimes my strength shines through and I can smile, laugh and even be positive and hopeful.  Then one day when you aren't suspecting it, a little reminder creeps into your life and slaps you in the face, bringing you to your knees once again.  On the inside you are screaming but no one can hear and you cannot put the feeling into words because there are no words to describe how you are feeling.  They only see your smiling face, your dry eyes and your strength, but inside you are a mess.  Constantly asking yourself if you are choosing the right path, wondering what will happen next time and wondering if you can bare anymore pain.  

Somehow, you keep on going.  Sometimes on autopilot, sometimes you just lie in bed all day and sometimes you are optimistic and get out of bed to do the things you want to do.  Right now all I can do is keep busy, help the days and months pass by quickly, do my research, prepare my body and anything else I can think of to give our next child the best fighting chance.  

"None of us would part with a single one of our memories yet they are all so laced with pain. They need and desire to touch and hold our child again brings and ache that has no release."
                                                                       -Willis Day, Nathan & Rachel’s dad

Lindsey's Birthday - 5/24/11

I was on strict bed rest (SBR) ever since they had found I was dilated.  This meant that I was not able to get out of bed for any reason.  I was lying with my feet about 15 degrees higher than my head, trying to keep that bag of water in.  I did not argue, I knew that this was the best thing for our baby.  It was hard but I was willing to do it for at least the next 6 weeks, until we reached viability and more if I needed to.  I was in pain from my back aching, my muscles were so sore and they eventually put on leg compressors to keep my blood flowing so I had a lesser chance of getting a blood clot in my legs.  If I had to go to the bathroom, I had to use a bedpan.  I had a pad on because ever since they did a pelvic exam I had been bleeding constantly but every day it was decreasing.  I couldn’t take a shower so DH and the nurses had to wash me in bed, change my sheets with me still in bed and wash my hair in a little inflatable wash bin.  I had to learn to eat and drink in that position too.  It was not as challenging as I had thought it would be.  

I did all of this without complaining, without anger and with a lot of patience.   I found a new side to myself that week.  I was kind, friendly, hopeful, patient and thankful.  I never once raised my voice or got angry with DH or a nurse.  I was just always so thankful for what they were doing for my baby and I.   I am not generally a very patient person and I am usually pretty sarcastic but these events just softened me.  

There were times when we had hope.  We kept hope alive, maybe for our own sanity?  We couldn’t come to terms with what the doctors and nurses had subtly been telling us; that we were going to deliver this baby too early.  They told us many times that there was less than a 10% chance of me not going into labor.  The infection in my uterus would likely cause my water to break and cause me to go into labor. The other possibility, which I really dreaded, was that they may have to induce me if my infection got too bad.  They kept telling us, as the days went by, that they were surprised I hadn’t gone into labor yet.  I was fighting, I am a fighter and so was Lindsey.  

We talked about what it would be like to have me at home on SBR for so many more months and how we would handle it.  One nurse tried to find out what our wishes were once the baby was born, would we want to hold it?  Should they call the Haven Network to take pictures?  We were in denial and I was trying to separate myself.  The nurse asked us when it was late, I think I had already taken an Ambien and don’t even remember the conversation really.  Apparently, as I learned later, we originally told her that we didn’t want to see the baby or take pictures.  I don’t remember that but everyone else kept bringing up that fact after everything was over.  This irritates me because I don't remember telling the nurses this.  I do remember telling my DH this when I initially got the news but I think that was normal to want to protect yourself and separate yourself from the events that were taking place.    

Monday came, my wbc count wasn’t really going down anymore.  It had went back up to 15,000.  My doctor came and saw us, again giving us hope saying she was going to talk to the high risk doctor and possibly get a cerclage scheduled.  A few hours went by and then my doctor called us on the phone to tell us there was no hope.  She actually told me "I'm hoping you go into labor soon".  She didn't explain what was happening very well and all I remember hearing is that my baby was going to die.  

I was hysterical and a nurse had to come in to calm me down and offer reassurance that there was still hope.  Now, I think that she was just trying to keep me positive and not let me get hysterical or depressed.  My temperature slowly went up all day.  I had a headache.  In the evening, between 8-10pm I slowly got worse.  The infection started to take over.  I was sweating and had chills.  The nurses took my temperature for the last time and it was 102 I think.

I went back to L&D and had a pelvic exam.  They said the baby was definitely coming now.  My DH called my mom and sisters and his parents to come see the baby for the little time she would be with us.  The nurses called the Haven Network.  I had taken an Ambien already thinking I was going to sleep.  I asked for something for the pain, I didn't know how much pain I would have but some of the doctors I had seen before had said I could have one when the time came.  Now, my doctor just stared at me like I was insane for asking and then finally agreed to dilaudid.  They only gave me a small amount to begin with but eventually had to increase it because of the pain I was in.  

Our precious Lindsey was born around 1:20am.  They told me she would just come out, just like that but it actually took me at least an hour of pushing before she was born.  I didn't have pain during the delivery but it did take a lot of effort.  The doctor was silent when she was born so we didn't know right away, the doctor issues we had are another story which I will address later.  The nurse took her and cleaned her up.  I was anxious to see her but the doctor was concentrated on getting the placenta out.  It was still partially attached so they needed to wait to see if it would come out otherwise I would have to have a d&c.  

When the handed me my daughter, all I could do was smile.  She was so perfect, so little and she was our baby.  I remember feeling this indescribable sense of love and pride.  I remember those feelings when I start missing her and it always makes me smile.  I always wondered what it would feel like to hold our baby in my arms but I never thought I would find out this soon…  

The nurse came in and tried to pull the cord to see if it was looser and would come out, but she broke the cord and it went back inside of me.  The doctor was furious.  This began the pain, they tried to use a spectrum that was too big, making me squirm in pain.  It felt like they had inserted a knife into me.  The doctor found a smaller one and then I have no idea what she was doing but whatever it was felt like she was trying to do a d&c right there in L&D.  I began crying and whining that it hurt too much.  I seriously considered kicking the doctor to make her stop.  The nurse asked if she could give me more dilaudid and when she did I was able to sit a little more still.  It still hurt but it helped me relax.  DH was holding my hand and trying to help me hold onto Lindsey.  I was so concerned about dropping her.  The placenta eventually came out after they administered some kind of meds.  

My DH and I watched our little girl's strong heartbeat beat for two hours and ten minutes.  She tried to move her mouth twice, maybe trying to breath?  We were amazed at how long she continued to fight.  We were so proud of her for being so strong.  The nurse confirmed that she was perfect and well developed for her very young age.  We looked over her tiny body, her 10 fingers and 10 toes, her tiny nose, lips and ears.  We held her, kissed her, talked to and cuddled her until her little heart stopped beating.  We wanted her to feel our love and I like to think that she did.  

Our parents came in and took turns holding her.  The Haven Network took beautiful pictures that I cherish to this day.  Once everyone left and we were alone again, DH and I held her for about another hour before saying goodbye to her for the last time and handing her over to the nurse.  I hate remembering that moment, of leaving my little girl.  I would do anything to have more time with her and hold her once again.