Let Me Be Happy?

I just hit 26 weeks on Saturday!  Every day that passes I feel more and more confident and excited about this pregnancy.  It has, by no means, been a "normal" pregnancy but we have been doing well so far overall.  I did end up in the hospital once and ended up getting a cerclage due to funneling but after that my cervix got some length back to it and things have been going well since.  They continue to monitor me for bladder infections and I am continuing my injections but so far so good.

I have to say that I do think I have a pretty good attitude about things and that I have a pretty positive outlook on life in general.  I'm not a bubbly happy go lucky person, but I do love life and I love spending time with the people that mean the most to me.  I am a very realistic person and by no means am I the kind of person who blocks out negative things or pretends they don't exist.

The way I have dealt with issues that have come up in my life is to learn more about them and why they happened and this is what I did when we lost Lindsey.  I bought books, I did research, got my medical records to look at, talked to different doctors, talked to other women who have gone through similar situations and I've learned so much.  However, the hardest thing to accept is that there are no answers.  No one knows what happened with Lindsey or why.  All we know is that for some reason I dilated too early and had an infection in my uterus that antibiotics just wouldn't take care of.  My best guess is that GBS made me dilate and got into my uterus causing a massive infection.  I do not believe  that I have an incompetent cervix and I don't think that I have PTL.  Again, no one can tell us for sure and I have yet to talk to my doctor more about it in depth but these are my thoughts based off of what I experienced last time and this time.  All we can do is treat me like I have all three issues every pregnancy so that we don't have any more losses.  That means, cerclage, injections and monitoring for infection every pregnancy.

If you have ever experienced an "abnormal" pregnancy or a high risk pregnancy you know how disappointing it is to not be allowed to have a "normal" pregnancy.  You just feel like something is wrong with you, or at least I do.  At times I am just so jealous of the women who have such easy pregnancies and can just have one child after the other.  I am happy that they don't have to experience what I do and what I did but personally it is hard to accept that you can't have a normal pregnancy.

The main reason for me writing this post is that I have just been hurt time and time again by people telling me things like not to let my guard down after I tell them I am doing well and feel good about things.  I just feel like every time I get excited about preparing for the baby, someone has to tell me something like "don't get things ready too soon because you want to make sure things are going to work out this time".  It just crushes me to hear this.  Thank you, I don't think about and miss Lindsey every day  and I don't worry about our little boy every day? Thanks for reminding me that things have gone so wrong in the past and that we are never "safe" but no one is ever safe, no matter how old or young you are.  Please just try to be happy for us and please don't remind me of how scary our lives have been these past few years.  I do not want to look back on this pregnancy and remember how scared I was and how everyone expected me to fail again and how people waited for things to go wrong.  I want to look back and remember how excited we were to welcome our little boy into this world and how happy we were that we were doing everything we possibly could to keep him safe and how we finally got to bring him home, alive and well.

Maybe I'm being sensitive.  I know that people just really care and don't want us to get hurt but I do believe that I know my body best and that with my doctors and my husband we are doing all that we can to give him the best chance.  In this case, I really do think that his mother knows best and, of course our doctors.

All I ask is that you celebrate with me during the times that things are going well and try to be positive with me!