It's not okay and it will never be okay.
I miss people asking me about my baby.
I miss my baby bump.
I miss my baby girl.
I miss her being with me every day, from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep at night she was with me.
I miss knowing that she is safe inside of me.
I miss the milestones that I had mapped out in my mind, the first time I would feel her kick, making a baby registry, painting the nursery, spending the holidays with her.
I even miss my maternity pants and I still can't fit into my old jeans comfortably.
I'm so sad that during my birthday this year I was supposed to be expecting her to make her entrance into this world and into my arms but now I will just be missing her.
I miss all the pregnancy symptoms that I had, even the bad ones like vomiting, nausea, heartburn, frequent urination, fatigue and headaches.
I miss my husband kissing my stomach goodnight and good morning.
I miss telling her goodnight as I rubbed my baby bump.
I miss my growing belly.
I hate that I still have all of these physical reminders of being pregnant.
I hate that people pretend that this never happened and that our baby doesn't exist.
I hate that I will never have a normal pregnancy and that I will never experience the true joy of pregnancy because of the fear and doubts that will always be in the back of my mind.
I hate that I didn't know soon enough to do anything.
I hate that I can't find a reason my baby was taken from me.
I hate that I can't be sure that the future will bring me a healthy and strong baby next time.
I love that my husband is so supportive and is always there for me.
I love how concerned he is about me and that he makes me feel safe.
I love that I can be so strong sometimes.
I love that we are hopeful for the future.
Sometimes we feel lost and alone.
Sometimes we feel like crawling into a hole
Sometimes we feel hopeful
And sometimes we feel strong.
I am a new follower, as I found a post of yours on Baby Center. I just wanted to say thank you for being so open about your experiences. It seems that after we've had a loss, people don't know what to say or do and honestly no matter what they do, it won't be right. It won't make it better or easier to deal with. I still follow along on Baby Center even though we lost our baby on 3/25/11. I'm sure it's a form of self-torture to see what he or she would be doing right now, but I can't help myself. I've had so many of the same thoughts you listed in this post and it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in those thoughts. My heart goes out to you and your DH and I wish the very best for you and your future family.
ReplyDeleteVanessa, you definitely are not alone. I think it's so important for those of us going through this to talk to one another. I really don't believe that anyone but those of us going through this can really understand us and the emotions that we feel. I know everyone's emotions are different and we all grieve differently but we can understand and relate to each other. Feel free to PAN me on BBC anytime you need to!
ReplyDeleteHey Nichole! I figured I would leave a comment on here rather than PANing you on BBC. I love what this post says - I can relate to everything you said on here. Anyways, I just wanted to say thanks for writing this - keep writing because it will not only help you, but others as well.
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