Emotions: Anger

The second stage of grief, anger.  

"The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He/She may be angry with themself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it."

When you lose a baby so many emotions hit you at once and then resurface again and again, sometimes when you least expect it.

One strong emotion that I deal with from day to day is anger.  It is something that comes out for me when I get frustrated with something that may or may not have to do with pregnancy or loss.  I get frustrated or irritated and I can just feel the anger welling up and rising to the surface.  

It appears at work, at home,  with family and friends and with strangers.  Sometimes the things that I get angry about are not a big deal or can be something that most people would just brush off, but if something happens at the wrong time it may just set me off.  I can practically feel my bp rise!  

Why am I angry?

Well, this is a complicated question.  I am angry about a lot of things and especially because I cannot make sense of all that has happened to us or the women and families like us.  

Why do these things happen to good people and happen to people who really really want children?  How can people continually "accidentally" get pregnant but those of us who are trying for so long can't?  How do bad people get to have kids and abuse and neglect them?  I get angry at women who are ungrateful for their children and their pregnancies.  

I am angry at myself for not noticing my symptoms earlier and wonder if maybe I would have Lindsey would still be here.  I am angry at my body for not being able to carry our little girl.  

I am angry at the insensitivity that I and my DH face constantly by people who just have no clue.  

I am the most angry about people constantly putting the death of our baby in the same category as my first miscarriage.  I am not ignoring the fact that first trimester miscarriage is hard, because it is and I have experienced that as well.  After experiencing both however, I can tell you that when your baby dies in your arms and is healthy except for your body's inability to carry her until she's old enough is very different.  Yes, this is my second loss but my first born child as well.

Sometimes I don't know why I am angry and I know that doesn't make sense to anyone and sometimes it doesn't make sense to me.  Please help me during these times, and usually that means just ignoring my anger!

So how do I deal with this anger?

I take a moment, or many moments, to myself to calm down.  Taking a few minutes to myself without interruption and just breathing, focusing on telling myself that it's okay is the easiest thing to do.  Another stress reliever is massage.  This is expensive of course so it's wonderful to have a DH that will do this for me!  

Relaxation music is actually a big one for me.  People seem to think this is funny/strange but it works.  My favorite is actually nature sounds, especially water.  Weis Morris Day Spa in Rockford does their massages to music like this and then add aroma therapy and it is just Heaven on Earth!  

What can you do?

Try to be understanding.  Understand that we are not angry at you or likely anyone but ourselves for that matter.  If we are emotional please just brush it off and if you are still concerned you can ask us about how we are feeling or what we are thinking.  People are afraid to do this and really, I don't think more than a few people have truly asked me how I was doing this whole time, especially now that it's in the distant past for most.  It's part of my every day life now and I know it isn't for everyone that knows me, some yes, but to most people I am just another woman with fertility issues.  

It's strange though, they say that you go through the stages of grief but they never tell you that the emotions will continue to revisit you over and over and over.  

Emotions: Shock, Denial and Isolation

The first stage of grief.
"At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks."


I don't know if denial is a good word.  Truly it is just hard to realize that the loss has actually happened to you.  I don't think I could deny that the losses had taken place, I struggled more with wrapping my head around that they actually happened and happened to us.  You forget at the beginning, like when you find something to keep you busy for a little while you forget for a bit and then suddenly remember what has happened, I don't think that's denial, it's just shock and disbelief.  It is especially difficult when you go to sleep at night and then wake up in the next morning because you don't initially remember and the wave of grief when you realize that yes, this actually happened and no, you are no longer pregnant is enough to knock you off your feet.  For me, I'd say this lasted a full month and then it has just been on and off since then.  


The isolation is the hardest thing to deal with and I still deal with it to this day.  You pull yourself away because people just can't understand what you are going through.  You feel utterly alone and disconnected from your usual contacts; friends, family and society in general.  Most women, I think, struggle with the difficulty of essentially "re-entering society".  You cannot hide in your house forever, but hell, at times you wish you could.  There is nothing that can prepare you or help you deal with "being normal" again and sometimes you do just go through the motions like some kind of robot.  That is something that I hear so often from mothers grieving from a loss and it's so hard to help with this because I still haven't figured out how.  
You can go from not wanting to feel so alone and wishing that someone would call or come over but then when they do you wish you could leave or wish they would leave so you can be alone again.  Weird huh?     
Well, it's just as confusing for us as it is for you to try and understand it.  


Let me just say that the stages of grief really aren't as clean and neat as they make them sound.