1 Month

Today marks 1 month since the day Lindsey came into this world; the same day she grew her wings.
I wouldn't say the pain is easier.  Like I have heard many other women say, it's just different.  You somehow get better at dealing with the pain, but it is no duller or easier than it ever was.  Sometimes I think it hurts more?

She would have been 23 weeks yesterday if she were still safe inside of me.  I would be feeling her move around and watching my belly grow.  Lately, I have been remembering the days when I was pregnant with her.  I was so happy, so optimistic, so innocent, so hopeful…  I'm really not sure if I have even come close to feeling that happiness I felt when I was pregnant.  That scares me and makes me worry that I may never feel that same way again.  Everything was brighter and more beautiful when I felt that way.  I think now my happiness comes from keeping busy, getting things done and my DH.  I still laugh and smile but the joy I felt back then is just missing.

I think about it all less.  That makes me feel guilty, like I'm forgetting her, although I know I will never forget.  I keep busy and that keeps my mind from lingering on the pain and sadness.  I have no idea how the days have been going by so quickly.  Sometimes I'm thankful for that but other times I'm sad that the world just keeps on going, dragging me along with it even though my world and Lindsey's world has stopped.

The greatest joy in my life is my DH.  I would not smile and carry on every day if it weren't for him.  We cling to each other.  This has all brought us closer even though I didn't think that was possible but it seems every day we love each other a little more.

Lindsey,
I want to tell you how much we miss you.  We would do anything to have you back and give you the chance you so much deserve.  We thank you for all that you have done and all the joy you brought to our lives.  You have brought your Mommy and Daddy closer together.  You have given us the knowledge to give our future babies, your future brothers or sisters, a better chance at life than we could give you.  We will forever remember the happiness we felt when we met you and held you for the first time.  We are so proud of you, you were so strong and beautiful.  We will ever be grateful for you and we will always love you.  I know we will meet again someday.
Love Mom