You were supposed to be so many weeks along today, your LO was supposed to be kicking and moving about safe in your belly, you were supposed to be planning the nursery, picking a name and it goes on and on. We all do it, every major event that was planned during our pregnancy; weddings, family parties, holidays, birthdays, we all know how far along we would be, how big our bellies would likely be and what we would wear, how old our baby was supposed to be for this or that and now we are just left at those events feeling empty and remembering what was supposed to be.
Listening to someone else talk yesterday about their baby that is due at the same EDD as our Lindsey was supposed to be due just brought me back to a dark place. They were talking about what they would do when the baby came, what their work schedules would be, who would watch the baby and more. I felt like screaming. You don't want to hear about other people's happy babies and pregnancies or hear brag stories about their children less than a month after you just lost yours. Every child's face reminds me of hers, every child's cry or laugh makes me cringe inside. It sounds selfish and I feel selfish and sometimes terrible for not caring about the happy parents and babies that are here on earth today but I really can't help it.
It's almost been a month since the day I gave birth to our daughter, the same day she grew her wings….
I can just lay here for hours remembering the happiness I felt while being pregnant with her, when I had her in my life. That happiness makes me cry now because I remember how confident I was that we would carry this baby to term. It reminds me how naive and innocent I was to think that nothing else could possibly go wrong and that we were safe, that it was a sure thing. It makes me sad that I will no longer "just enjoy" pregnancy, that I will live in fear every day during my next pregnancy.
I cannot explain the pain. It is deep, everlasting and always present. Sometimes my strength shines through and I can smile, laugh and even be positive and hopeful. Then one day when you aren't suspecting it, a little reminder creeps into your life and slaps you in the face, bringing you to your knees once again. On the inside you are screaming but no one can hear and you cannot put the feeling into words because there are no words to describe how you are feeling. They only see your smiling face, your dry eyes and your strength, but inside you are a mess. Constantly asking yourself if you are choosing the right path, wondering what will happen next time and wondering if you can bare anymore pain.
Somehow, you keep on going. Sometimes on autopilot, sometimes you just lie in bed all day and sometimes you are optimistic and get out of bed to do the things you want to do. Right now all I can do is keep busy, help the days and months pass by quickly, do my research, prepare my body and anything else I can think of to give our next child the best fighting chance.
"None of us would part with a single one of our memories yet they are all so laced with pain. They need and desire to touch and hold our child again brings and ache that has no release."
-Willis Day, Nathan & Rachel’s dad
"None of us would part with a single one of our memories yet they are all so laced with pain. They need and desire to touch and hold our child again brings and ache that has no release."
-Willis Day, Nathan & Rachel’s dad
The little remindars are everywhere for me. I am sad that we have to deal with this. I am thinking of you and your sweet angel. I pray that each day gets a little easier.
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