When Darkness Falls

The Nights

 I don’t know about you, but for me the darkest times are when the sun goes down.  I’m not even really sure why but it has been happening since the day I lost my daughter, Lindsey.  Every day, before the sun sets I wonder if the nightly pain will ever begin to fade or disappear completely.  No matter where I am or what I am doing my mind begins playing and replaying the events that occurred over the last four and a half months.  I literally shake my head some days, trying to get myself to focus on whatever it is that I’m doing; watching a movie or TV, reading a book, shopping, painting, and the list goes on. 

When I am lying in the darkness in bed, trying so desperately to fall asleep because sleep is the only time I get any real relief from the pain, when I’m lying in bed at night, that’s when it’s the worst.  Sometimes I remember the happy times and smile but then my mind gradually comes back to the present where I am no longer pregnant, my little girl no longer has a chance and where I am utterly devastated and lost.  There is no comfort for the pain.  Yes, I can have more children, well they think so anyway.  I do have a loving DH, family, a beautiful house and a good job but there is an empty place where my daughter should be. 

I was given sleep aides while in the hospital, before and after her birth.  It gently brought me to sleep and helped me feel a little rested.  I can’t remember the last time I woke up feeling refreshed, I’ve been waking up exhausted since that day.  At home I have been using Advil PM, taking 2 every night before I try to fall asleep.  It has just enough in it to get my already exhausted body to sleep.  I’ve tried not taking it but I just lay there exhausted but wide awake, thoughts and pictures of the horror that unfolded within that week of May ending with the loss of our Lindsey.