At the Hospital

At the Hospital

(May 19, 2011) At the ER I was taken back fairly quickly.  I was allowed to get up, use the restroom; I gave a urine sample and waited for the doctor.  My heart rate was high, DH noticed this and I thought, well I am very nervous.  The ER doctor didn't examine me.  He reassured me that everything was likely fine but that my OB said to bring me up to L&D, the ER doctor seemed to think this wasn’t necessary but they transferred me anyway.  I was transferred up to L&D in bed.  I wonder now if maybe they did have an idea of what was happening to me but didn’t want to tell me just yet. 

At L&D, they got me settled and explained they needed to do a pelvic exam and do a few cultures.  The nurse silently did a quick exam with a speculum that was far too big, and then grimly stated “you are dilated, at least 2-3cm I would say”.  I could tell by the look on her face that it was bad.  I was numb at first then completely broke down.  Holding my DH, I was in tears and telling him “that I couldn’t do this again”.  I meant, I couldn’t lose another baby.  The nurse also told us that my bag of water was bulging into my cervix and that she could see it.  She quickly put my bed back so that my feet were higher than my head, hoping the bag of water would go back inside. 

They drew my blood.  My white blood cell count was 19,000.  The normal level, we were told, for a pregnant woman should be no higher than 11,000.  I had an infection.  The question later would be: did that infection cause my cervix to dilate or did the dilation of my cervix cause the infection?  There was no way to tell how long my cervix had actually been open, allowing the passage of bacteria from my vagina into that sterile environment that held our precious baby.  I felt guilty and stupid and completely devastated.  What if I had an infection that caused all of this to happen?  Why didn’t I call or come in when I first noticed the symptoms?  I kept running scenarios through my head, trying to remember if I did have any other symptoms.  

Whether they meant to or not, the doctors made me feel like it was my fault at first.  Why didn’t I call?  Did you notice an infection?  No, I didn’t notice an infection.  I had read about what kinds of infections could cause your cervix to dilate, but I had noticed none of the symptoms the article said to watch for.  To this day I try to remember if I had any symptoms that I may have overlooked.  Was the discharge I was having all normal?  They said to watch for “smelly” discharge, but to a me, everything smelled disgusting, even my own body and even soap!!  So no, I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary.  Still, I cannot help but continue to wonder, "what if".  

Different doctors came in each day.  Giving me hope and then taking it away.  The second day, Friday 5/20/11, the high risk perinatologist came in and said I had dilated more and that the baby’s head was in my cervix.  I didn’t realize until Monday that when she told me this, she was also telling me that there was nothing they could do.  At first, I was told that if my wbc count went down they could do a cerclage.  Even with the cerclage, they said there was about a 50% chance of my water breaking from the procedure.  I said that it was a risk I was willing to take rather than wait for the bag to break on it’s own with no hope in saving our baby.  I was only 18 weeks that Thursday when I came in and was told 24 weeks was the viability cutoff.  I quickly realized that I needed to make it 6 more weeks to give my baby a fighting chance.  I was put on a monitor to ensure that I wasn’t having contractions or going into labor.  

My DH didn’t sleep at all Thursday night.  They gave me an Ambien so I did sleep, a little.  I remember waking up in pain, having contractions during the night.  My DH probably remembers this night more clearly that I do.  I just remember holding his hand as the pain rose and fell and then I would return to sleeping.  I don't remember that night well.  These were the last contractions I would ever feel during this pregnancy.

That Friday morning my wbc count went down to 15,000 from 19,000.  We celebrated but also knew it had to get down to at least 13,000 before the Dr. would do the cerclage.  My days consisted of sleeping, taking pills, having my blood taken, being bathed in bed and trying to do something to occupy my mind. My back hurt a lot, until they eventually brought me a egg carton mattress that somehow helped tremendously.  I would have done anything to keep our little girl inside of me as long as possible.  

The next day, Saturday, my wbc count was down to 13,000.  Sunday it was back up to 15,000.  I cried when I heard that.  To me, that meant the infection wasn’t going away and I  think I knew deep down that now we were only waiting for the inevitable, for my temp to go up forcing the doctors to induce me or for my water to break.  I was already on 2 antibiotics, amp and gent.  My temperature was good until that Sunday.  100.4F was considered to be a dangerous temp for me, it was in the 97 or 98 degree range before Sunday.  On Sunday it was going up to the high 98s and low 99s.  This worried me.  They began doing oral temps instead of the one they swipe over your forehead to get lower and more accurate readings.  We were able to hear our LO’s heartbeat at least two times per day and even more if we requested it.  Her heartbeat was generally 150-170’s.  Sunday it was going up to 170’s more often.  

I was so scared and I know my DH was likely even more scared than I was.