First Steps

Wednesday July 27th I will have my first diagnostic test, an SHG or sonohysterogram.
This is a diagnostic test used to look inside the uterus to identify any abnormalities.  While we are not expecting anything unusual but I am still nervous about the possibilities and the procedure itself.

My plan is to focus on learning about what I am seeing on the u/s screen and to ask a lot of questions.  This will distract me from any discomfort I feel and hopefully help me relax.  I'm sure it will all be over before I know it, but I just hate procedures!  I better get used to them because they aren't going to stop any time soon…...

Today is really not helping my anxieties.  I feel like crawling into bed and sleeping for the rest of the week!  I am irritated and emotional.  I haven't really felt this way since the raging hormones of my last pregnancy and it's not something I enjoy experiencing unless I'm pregnant!  I actually think it's PMS!

I am hoping that we will be getting the green light to TTC again after tomorrow's SHG.  That is, if my doctor and I are on the same page and I have no reason to not believe she is.  I am about 7 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight still but I have been making progress over this past month and continue to lose weight.  My plan is to continue exercising as long as I am physically able to!
This appt. and the possibility of TTC again this month are bringing on a whole new set of emotions.  I am thrilled but at the same time terrified.  However, my old routines have resumed and I am in a better place than I was a month ago.  I am still completely devastated when thinking about the loss of our Lindsey but I've been able to deal with those emotions as they come and go, but also to focus on my life and every day activities better than ever.

Wish me luck for tomorrow!

What Makes a Mother?

I wanted to share this, it brought tears to my eyes.  

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes. 

And prayed to God today. 

I asked what makes a mother and 

I know I heard him say, 

A mother has a baby. 

This we know is true. 

But God, can you be a mother 

when your baby's not with you? 

Yes, you can, He replied 

with confidence in His voice. 

I give many women babies. 

When they leave is not their choice. 

Some I send for a lifetime 

and others for a day. 

And some I send to feel your womb 

but there's no need to stay. 

I just don't understand this. God, 

I want my baby here. 

He took a breath and cleared His throat 

and then I saw a tear. 

I wish I could show you 

what your child is doing today. 

If you could see your child smile 

with other children and say, 

"We go to earth to learn our lessons 

of life and love and fear. 

My Mommy loved me, Oh so much, 

I got to come straight here. 

I feel so lucky to have a Mom 

who had so much love for me,

I learned my lesson very quickly.

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much, 

but I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek 

and whisper in her ear,

'Mommy don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,

your children are okay.

Your babies are here in MY home 

and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME 

until your lesson is through. 

And on the day that you come home, 

they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother”

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,

right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,

until their time is done. 

They'll be up here with ME one day, 

and know you're the best one.

~Jennifer Wasik~

Getting Closer

Very day that passes brings me closer to TTC again.
Lindsey never leaves me, I think about her day and night and miss her every second.  A part of me feels guilty for TTC again, it will only have been 2 months on the 24th of July since she was born.  She has inspired me to continue the TTC journey.  The love that I felt for her and the love that I saw DH feel for her made me realize how much we do want to be parents and how much we want to bring a baby home with us.
I had always said that if I had a second miscarriage that I wouldn't try anymore.  I couldn't bear the thought of going through that again.  However, here I sit, almost two months after giving birth to our 18w5d old daughter due to IC thinking about trying again.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes I wonder why I'm putting myself through this and how I got here.  I can think back and remember how I used to think, how our life used to be and I can see how much both DH and I have changed.  Sometimes I miss my high school life, I miss my college life and I miss my naive and optimistic TTC journey of years ago.  I like who DH and I are today, I could just do with a little less tragedy.  I would like to think that after all of the heartache that things can only get better, but usually when I think that way I'm quickly brought back to real world.
I know too much about life, too much about TTC and too much about pregnancy.  It is great to know so much because only then can you make good decisions about your medical care but at the same time it takes a little, no a lot, of the joy out of it.

I know once I am pregnant again that I will have to work hard every day.  As I told DH, we are going to celebrate the next baby and the next pregnancy as much as we did the last.  We are not going to let the fear take away our happiness and we are going to try to be optimistic but logical.  I know I will struggle some days but I know that we are both strong and that we will get through it.  When I struggle, I remember Lindsey and how much we love her and how happy we were to hold her in our arms.  She pushes me to keep going and to move forward and to try again.  I feel like her sacrifice will help her brother/sister have a better chance at survival and that she will be largely responsible for helping us have a family.  I feel like I need to make sure she had a purpose her on earth, but in the end, she did so much in so many different ways.

Hope
Life is a gift and every moment in time is a miracle to cherish.

Rose Buds

In the most beautiful gardens, though carefully tended by the most skillful botanist, there is an occasional rose that buds, but never opens. In all respects the rose is like all the others but some unseen cause keeps it from blooming. It wilts and fades away without coming to its radiant unfolding. What happens in nature's garden occasionally happens also in the garden of God's human family. A baby begins its life, beautiful, precious...but with some unseen, mysterious band sealing that life so that it can never come to its rightful unfolding. This child, too, like the bud that never fully opens, gradually fades away to be gathered back into God's heavenly garden of souls where all imperfections are made perfect; all injustices are made right, all mysteries are explained, and all sorrows turned into happiness.


Shared on BBC 7/18/11

Still Moving Forward

I have been doing better and better each week.  I don't think it is getting easier, just different.  I can focus on other things more often but I still haven't quite been able to feel as much joy as I had since I lost her.  I used to see and appreciate the beauty in the smallest of things; flowers, the blue sky, the sunshine, etc.  Now when I see something beautiful it seems to remind me of her, when I'm in a good mood I can see those things and feel strong because I've made it through such a difficult thing but sometimes I see those things and it makes me sad to remember that she is gone. 


Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and what we've lost.  I've found that just taking care of myself makes me feel more at peace.  I try to stay relaxed and not get overly stressed or think about the future too much.  With this mindset, the weeks have been flying by.  I'm not sure how I feel about that?  It brings me further and further away from the last time I had Lindsey in my arms but at the same time it brings me closer and closer to being able TTC again.  I know that Lindsey is with us and I'd like to think she will be with our next baby as well.  I know that the next baby will be a brand new separate individual but I hope that Lindsey will help him or her grow and be as healthy as she was.  


One of my many therapies is reading blogs and visiting forums on BBC.  I love to hear success stories about women who have been through similar situations that are now having healthy and full term pregnancies.  I also enjoy helping others deal with their grief and reassuring them that we are here for them and that they are not alone.  I have also been enjoying painting. That is one thing that I can just get totally relaxed doing.  


I've been working more and more lately.  I'm finding that I am missing being at home when I work a lot or I work long shifts.  There is just something about taking care of our house that I find comforting and maybe it's just because I'm a control freak!?!  Whatever it is, I like the feeling of accomplishment when I get things done around the house.  I guess our home has also been my safe place for the past 6 months and that's why I've been clinging to it.  


I am getting an SHG sonohysterogram on July 27th.  They are going to check my cervix and uterus for any abnormalities to make sure that I am structurally "normal".  I am hoping to get the green light to TTC after that.  I haven't really reached my weight goal yet, about 10 more pounds to go, so that may put us back a month sadly.  Which reminds me, I better go get on that treadmill right now, well as soon as I finish my coffee!

Precious Little One

This poem was posted on Baby Center and it just really touched me!  Author unknown  

     Precious Little One 

    Precious, tiny little one

    You'll always be to me

    So perfect, pure and innocent -

    Part of Heaven's Family

    We dreamed of you and your life

    And all that it would be

    We waited and longed for you to come 

    And join our family

    We never had the chance to play, 

    To laugh, to rock, to wiggle

    We long to hold you, touch you now

    And listen to you giggle

    I'll always be your mother

    He'll always be your dad

    You'll always be our child

    The child that we had

    Now you're gone.......but yet you're here

    We sense you everywhere

    You're our sorrow and our joy

    There's love in every tear

     Just know our love goes deep and strong

     We'll forget you never

     The child we had but never had 

      And yet will have forever

Holidays

Wow, holidays are tough. I have to work at the 4th of July Festival in our town all day today.  Everywhere I look I swear there are pregnant women and kids.  I know they have always been there but I'm just noticing them now more than ever.  The little girls get to me the most, since I can see Lindsey's face in theirs.
I am now at home taking a break and I'm just exhausted and wishing this day was over.  I know a few ladies who have lost their LO have their previous EDD today and they are in my thoughts as well as I struggle to make it through the day.  I wish we could all be here together to hold each other up but I'm sure we are all thinking about each other!
I believe that every day; especially holidays, EDDs, and birthdays, will be a struggle.  I struggle to look at things in the same light as I did before.  I was always amazed by this world and the wonderful, beautiful things in it and now I struggle to see that sometimes.  I am struggling with anger and a deep deep sadness right now and that is making it hard to see the joy in things.  I know that I appreciate life and now truly understand how precious it is but that doesn't make it easier to live without my baby girl.

I just had to stop in and vent!  I'm just super sad right now and I needed to get my feelings out.  Thanks for listening and I hope I can post something inspiring and positive soon!

Surprise Emotions

This week was a rough.  Thursday I was supposed to be 24 weeks pregnant with Lindsey and all I could think about this weekend was that she was no longer here with us.  I went to a wedding with my DH.  He was in the wedding and I was not.  It's not that I'm usually clingy or needy but it was very rough on me to be away from DH while he was doing his "wedding things".  I had a lot of time, too much time, to think.  Of course, there was a very pregnant maid of honor and what I felt like was TONS of kids; babies, toddlers, children and not to mention pregnant women.  

This, of course, only made me remember what we had lost over this past year.  It also made me remember what our hopes and dreams were and made me realize we never ever thought we would be where we are today.  

Weddings should be a happy occasion and I'm sure they are for most.  For me, weddings are just another reminder of how happy we used to be, and how hopeful and innocent were.  We never imagined that our first pregnancy would end in miscarriage and that our second would end in our daughter's death.  We had always imagined having many kids, 5 was always what we had said we wanted, a big family. I never thought we would be struggled for one.  I tear up at weddings now, seeing how happy the couple is and knowing they are full of hopes and dreams and at the same time hoping they never feel the pain that we have.  

At this wedding I kept hearing baby talk; how many kids will you have?  How many strings did you break at the showers?  When will you have kids?  It broke my heart.  I just got that heavy feeling in my chest when I would hear these questions or just when I heard a child cry or laugh.  All I could do was stare back at a little boy when he grabbed my hand over the pew seat.  I don't even know for sure if I smiled, I think I just stared back at him awkwardly.  

At the reception I actually cried at one point.  The tears just came without warning and I could not control them.  As I sat with DH in the middle of the reception tears flowing from my eyes, apparently people were staring and watching as I struggled to hold myself together.  A few minutes later, a few close friends came over and asked if we were fighting or what was wrong because people were saying I was crying.  I only looked at them and said "I am allowed to cry anytime I want, I believe".  People just don't get that I'm not over it and that  I never will be.       

"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up -- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had."

- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross