This week was a rough. Thursday I was supposed to be 24 weeks pregnant with Lindsey and all I could think about this weekend was that she was no longer here with us. I went to a wedding with my DH. He was in the wedding and I was not. It's not that I'm usually clingy or needy but it was very rough on me to be away from DH while he was doing his "wedding things". I had a lot of time, too much time, to think. Of course, there was a very pregnant maid of honor and what I felt like was TONS of kids; babies, toddlers, children and not to mention pregnant women.
This, of course, only made me remember what we had lost over this past year. It also made me remember what our hopes and dreams were and made me realize we never ever thought we would be where we are today.
Weddings should be a happy occasion and I'm sure they are for most. For me, weddings are just another reminder of how happy we used to be, and how hopeful and innocent were. We never imagined that our first pregnancy would end in miscarriage and that our second would end in our daughter's death. We had always imagined having many kids, 5 was always what we had said we wanted, a big family. I never thought we would be struggled for one. I tear up at weddings now, seeing how happy the couple is and knowing they are full of hopes and dreams and at the same time hoping they never feel the pain that we have.
At this wedding I kept hearing baby talk; how many kids will you have? How many strings did you break at the showers? When will you have kids? It broke my heart. I just got that heavy feeling in my chest when I would hear these questions or just when I heard a child cry or laugh. All I could do was stare back at a little boy when he grabbed my hand over the pew seat. I don't even know for sure if I smiled, I think I just stared back at him awkwardly.
At the reception I actually cried at one point. The tears just came without warning and I could not control them. As I sat with DH in the middle of the reception tears flowing from my eyes, apparently people were staring and watching as I struggled to hold myself together. A few minutes later, a few close friends came over and asked if we were fighting or what was wrong because people were saying I was crying. I only looked at them and said "I am allowed to cry anytime I want, I believe". People just don't get that I'm not over it and that I never will be.
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up -- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
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