Pain and Guilt

"As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase."

Oh, you can't escape this pain.  This is the hardest and most unbearable stage during the grieving process. Life still feels chaotic and scary even almost 4 months later but I guess that has to do with the nature of our loss.  The loss of Lindsey will remind us every day during our next pregnancy that everything can be taken away just like that.  The loss of a baby will forever affect your future pregnancies and will forever be a remind of just how precious life is and how easily it can be taken away.  


The guilt for a mother after a pregnancy loss is strong especially in situations like mine.  My baby was healthy and perfect, it was my body that couldn't support her growing weight.  One common thing that I hear from women after m/c and pregnancy loss is that they feel like less of a woman because they were unable to carry a child.  That feeling isn't a dominating feeling for me but it is there.  You can't help feeling responsible for the pain that causes so much anguish for your Dh and family.  Under those feelings I know it's not my fault but sometimes you just can't help but take the blame.  


You have to get through the pain and the guilt in order to move forward.  They will both knock you down again and again when you are feeling low or when you least expect it.  You have to keep getting up and taking another step forward because you can't let them win.  Sometimes it takes all the strength you have in you to do it but somehow you find the will power to get up, no matter how tired you are.  
The way I see it is; it has already happened, you can't go back in time, you can't change the past but you can choose the way you live your life now and in the future.  I know it's hard to have that mindset and you can't all the time, but you can always give it your best shot.  


When you think about the next time, the next pregnancy, the fear can overwhelm you and it will if you let it.  I have taught myself to be a bit more relaxed and try to deal with one thing and one day at a time.  Your thoughts will race at all that can go wrong and you will get dizzy and fall by trying to deal with all of those fears at once.  The first step is getting pregnant, then getting to the second trimester while dealing with your pg symptoms, then for me it's the cerclage procedure, then the after care and resting, then getting past my marker of 18w5d….I can go on forever.  You worry about genetics, the placenta, the cord but you really have to try to have faith in that things will work out eventually and stay positive.  Every day will be scary but we will get through it one step and one worry at a time.  I can tell you that when we do bring a baby home with us, he/she will be sleeping right next to our bed until I feel more confident!  We are going to be such protective parents but also happy and thankful ones!