EDD

EDD is estimated/expected date of delivery.  Yes, my previous EDD is approaching rather quickly which makes me emotional as it does for all women who have lost a baby.

For some reason I continuously feel as if people don't think that we are still grieving from our loss.  Let me tell you a little secret, we still are and will continue to do so for a very very long time.  Just because we can smile and laugh doesn't mean that we are over it or have forgotten.

No, we don't want to hear about someone you know who is expecting or if someone had their baby.  If I don't see them on a regular basis you shouldn't tell me or my DH about it.  All this does is remind us that we are not expecting and that we were supposed to be having a baby in about a month and a half now. On Facebook, if someone I know is pregnant or has recently had a baby their posts are probably blocked for the time being.  This is actually a common thing for women to do after a miscarriage or pregnancy loss and it will take a while for me to unblock those posts.  It's not that I am angry at those people for having healthy pregnancies and babies, it's just that it hurts to see right now.
Let me make it very clear, we are happy for you if you are pregnant or have kids and we are so thankful that you have never had to experience the pain that we have.

It's not that I don't want to be told if we are friends and you find yourself expecting because we do.  We want to celebrate with you but it will still be emotional for us.  Our feelings right now are so complicated that it is hard to explain and even harder to comprehend.  Just be gentle, be sensitive and try to understand that we are on a roller coaster of emotions and will be for quite some time.  

I think the biggest emotion that I feel is ultimately jealousy.  I am jealous of those who can have babies so easily and be pregnant without the worries of complications.  I just feel that we are stuck in this rut and that people continuously pass by us but we are just stuck there waiting to be set free.  I don't know when or how that is going to happen but I hope that it is soon.

Right now I am trying to keep busy and enjoy the seasons changing.  Visiting the Apple Orchard, baking and cooking with produce that is in season, enjoying the weather and even camping.  I start my painting class Tuesday night and I think that it helps just to be able to do something for myself.  Since May I have quit a lot of things, dog training, volunteering with a raptor (bird) rehab and had quit painting.  I miss all of those things but have chosen not to overwhelm myself at this time and am trying to keep things simple.