How Common is Miscarriage?

We are approaching the beginning of September.  Where did the time go?  I feel like I went to sleep in May, woke up and now it's almost fall!  Fall brings on a whole new set of emotions for us.  October was the month that Lindsey was due, actually she was pretty much due right around my birthday on the 22nd.  Sometimes it seems so long ago and sometimes it feels like yesterday but more than anything it feels surreal.  How many people does this actually happen to?  It is not something that is generally openly talked about but I truly think it's important for people to know.

Infant loss and miscarriage are a taboo in our society.  No one talks about it and no one really knows about it.  I never had a clue, I mean babies aren't supposed to die these days, right?  That is something that only happened hundreds of years ago when medical care was basically non-existent.  However, up to 25% of all recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage.   Sometimes women may not even know that they are pregnant as the pregnancy can end at the same time their period is expected and they will never know about that pregnancy.  A miscarriage is any pregnancy that ends on it's own before 20 weeks.  These seem like high statistics don't they?  I'm not hear to scare you but just to educate you about how many women really do experience this in their lifetimes.

I can tell you I have found out that about 10 women than I know personally have revealed to me that they have also had a miscarriage after they found out about mine.  Remember that those are the women that actually told me and I am sure that there are more that have not said anything.  On top of that I have found even more people that have admitted to me that their wives or aunt or someone close to them have also experienced miscarriage in the past.  There is only one woman that I know personally that had lost her baby in the second trimester, the same time frame that we lost Lindsey.  I want to point out that second trimester losses are much less common than first trimester losses.  I was just shocked at the number of people that I knew personally that have struggled with this without anyone even knowing about it.
If you knew about how many things have to go just right to create life it would make more sense to you as to why things just don't work out sometimes.  It's a sad fact of life but it's real.

That being said; I think it's important to go into a pregnancy with a positive attitude. Those who have had a loss I say that they have lost their pregnancy innocence and if you are allowed to keep that innocence I am so very happy for you but please be thankful for your good fortune and enjoy your pregnancy every day no matter what symptoms you may be experiencing!
Believe me, with my next pregnancy I will be hoping and praying to vomit every day!  Those dramatic symptoms are a good sign that the baby is strong and healthy!

Angel Moms

Angel Moms are Moms of children who have passed away and we are forever bonded by that grief.  I really believe that they are absolutely the strongest of women.  I have met a lot of Angel Moms these past 3 months and I always walk away amazed at the strength, determination and faith that we all have.  We understand how precious life is and how easily and quickly it can be taken away.  It is our job to support each other and the new Angel Moms that unfortunately joining us daily.  We raise awareness of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss and hope and pray that no other parents have to join us.

One common myth that I continuously come across is that those of who have have experienced a miscarriage and loss of a child get over it as time passes.  Let me correct that for you, we don't.
It doesn't matter if we have lost a child at 6 weeks, 5 months, 37 weeks, a 4 month old child or a grown up child; the pain and the memories are still there and I know that they will never disappear.  

I was talking to a woman who had a miscarriage 20 years ago and she could tell you how old her baby would have been today.  The phrase "time heals all wounds" can be true for some things but sometimes the wound leaves a scar.  Many women, especially those that have had an early loss that hadn't told many people about their pregnancy will keep their miscarriage to themselves.  That is completely fine and normal to do that and feel that way, but it should also remind us that we don't know what others have been through in relation fertility and children.

I can tell you that one of the most painful questions that you can ask an Angel Mom is "when are you going to have kids?".  This is an innocent question and unbeknownst to the person asking, this woman has had a loss and this question brings up the most painful of memories.  I have personally been asked this question after my first m/c and after losing Lindsey by a few different people that did not know.  I'm sure that when I respond with my reproductive history that the people feel completely awful but it still feels like someone just punched me in the stomach.  You get that butterfly feeling in your chest and stomach, you skip a breath,  your mind just goes blank for a moment and then you answer that dreaded question.  Angel Moms understand that people just don't know and that they don't mean any harm, but that doesn't stop the pain we feel when asked.

Please remember that no matter the age of the baby or child when he/she was lost, the memory of our children will be carried with us for a lifetime.  We will never get over their passing or forget about them.  Please remember that you do not know what everyone is going through in relation to fertility so please don't ask that seemingly innocent question of "when are you going to have kids?.