Emotions: Anger

The second stage of grief, anger.  

"The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He/She may be angry with themself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it."

When you lose a baby so many emotions hit you at once and then resurface again and again, sometimes when you least expect it.

One strong emotion that I deal with from day to day is anger.  It is something that comes out for me when I get frustrated with something that may or may not have to do with pregnancy or loss.  I get frustrated or irritated and I can just feel the anger welling up and rising to the surface.  

It appears at work, at home,  with family and friends and with strangers.  Sometimes the things that I get angry about are not a big deal or can be something that most people would just brush off, but if something happens at the wrong time it may just set me off.  I can practically feel my bp rise!  

Why am I angry?

Well, this is a complicated question.  I am angry about a lot of things and especially because I cannot make sense of all that has happened to us or the women and families like us.  

Why do these things happen to good people and happen to people who really really want children?  How can people continually "accidentally" get pregnant but those of us who are trying for so long can't?  How do bad people get to have kids and abuse and neglect them?  I get angry at women who are ungrateful for their children and their pregnancies.  

I am angry at myself for not noticing my symptoms earlier and wonder if maybe I would have Lindsey would still be here.  I am angry at my body for not being able to carry our little girl.  

I am angry at the insensitivity that I and my DH face constantly by people who just have no clue.  

I am the most angry about people constantly putting the death of our baby in the same category as my first miscarriage.  I am not ignoring the fact that first trimester miscarriage is hard, because it is and I have experienced that as well.  After experiencing both however, I can tell you that when your baby dies in your arms and is healthy except for your body's inability to carry her until she's old enough is very different.  Yes, this is my second loss but my first born child as well.

Sometimes I don't know why I am angry and I know that doesn't make sense to anyone and sometimes it doesn't make sense to me.  Please help me during these times, and usually that means just ignoring my anger!

So how do I deal with this anger?

I take a moment, or many moments, to myself to calm down.  Taking a few minutes to myself without interruption and just breathing, focusing on telling myself that it's okay is the easiest thing to do.  Another stress reliever is massage.  This is expensive of course so it's wonderful to have a DH that will do this for me!  

Relaxation music is actually a big one for me.  People seem to think this is funny/strange but it works.  My favorite is actually nature sounds, especially water.  Weis Morris Day Spa in Rockford does their massages to music like this and then add aroma therapy and it is just Heaven on Earth!  

What can you do?

Try to be understanding.  Understand that we are not angry at you or likely anyone but ourselves for that matter.  If we are emotional please just brush it off and if you are still concerned you can ask us about how we are feeling or what we are thinking.  People are afraid to do this and really, I don't think more than a few people have truly asked me how I was doing this whole time, especially now that it's in the distant past for most.  It's part of my every day life now and I know it isn't for everyone that knows me, some yes, but to most people I am just another woman with fertility issues.  

It's strange though, they say that you go through the stages of grief but they never tell you that the emotions will continue to revisit you over and over and over.  

Pain and Guilt

"As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase."

Oh, you can't escape this pain.  This is the hardest and most unbearable stage during the grieving process. Life still feels chaotic and scary even almost 4 months later but I guess that has to do with the nature of our loss.  The loss of Lindsey will remind us every day during our next pregnancy that everything can be taken away just like that.  The loss of a baby will forever affect your future pregnancies and will forever be a remind of just how precious life is and how easily it can be taken away.  


The guilt for a mother after a pregnancy loss is strong especially in situations like mine.  My baby was healthy and perfect, it was my body that couldn't support her growing weight.  One common thing that I hear from women after m/c and pregnancy loss is that they feel like less of a woman because they were unable to carry a child.  That feeling isn't a dominating feeling for me but it is there.  You can't help feeling responsible for the pain that causes so much anguish for your Dh and family.  Under those feelings I know it's not my fault but sometimes you just can't help but take the blame.  


You have to get through the pain and the guilt in order to move forward.  They will both knock you down again and again when you are feeling low or when you least expect it.  You have to keep getting up and taking another step forward because you can't let them win.  Sometimes it takes all the strength you have in you to do it but somehow you find the will power to get up, no matter how tired you are.  
The way I see it is; it has already happened, you can't go back in time, you can't change the past but you can choose the way you live your life now and in the future.  I know it's hard to have that mindset and you can't all the time, but you can always give it your best shot.  


When you think about the next time, the next pregnancy, the fear can overwhelm you and it will if you let it.  I have taught myself to be a bit more relaxed and try to deal with one thing and one day at a time.  Your thoughts will race at all that can go wrong and you will get dizzy and fall by trying to deal with all of those fears at once.  The first step is getting pregnant, then getting to the second trimester while dealing with your pg symptoms, then for me it's the cerclage procedure, then the after care and resting, then getting past my marker of 18w5d….I can go on forever.  You worry about genetics, the placenta, the cord but you really have to try to have faith in that things will work out eventually and stay positive.  Every day will be scary but we will get through it one step and one worry at a time.  I can tell you that when we do bring a baby home with us, he/she will be sleeping right next to our bed until I feel more confident!  We are going to be such protective parents but also happy and thankful ones!  

A Walk to Remember

I walk to remember,

the steps you'll never take.

I carry you with me

as I firmly plant my feet.

Our trek started long ago

before my belly swelled.

You were a love that grew

like butterfly wings that beat.

Your gentle flutters then became

kicks upon which I would dwell.

And I would talk to you, sweet babe,

about the world you soon would meet.

The sun always shone upon us then ~

when you were in my womb.

And I was eager to show you the world

that would have been your home.

How you'd have loved the shining

blue skies without a cloud.

The autumn leaves turning,

the snow falling all around

The flowers in the summer

would have filled your eyes with smiles.

And the rain that might have fallen

woud have caused you great surprise.

You would have traveled far with me

holding me by the hand.

And I'd have shown you all I could ~

more than I can imagine.

You hold my HEART tightly now

as though we're holding hands

How far we've traveled, little one,

and my life with you has been sweet.

For I carry you in my heart,

as I firmly plant my feet.

By Kathie Rataj Mayo ~1986

A walk to remember children lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, infant and childhood death.  October 2, 2011

Emotions: Shock, Denial and Isolation

The first stage of grief.
"At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks."


I don't know if denial is a good word.  Truly it is just hard to realize that the loss has actually happened to you.  I don't think I could deny that the losses had taken place, I struggled more with wrapping my head around that they actually happened and happened to us.  You forget at the beginning, like when you find something to keep you busy for a little while you forget for a bit and then suddenly remember what has happened, I don't think that's denial, it's just shock and disbelief.  It is especially difficult when you go to sleep at night and then wake up in the next morning because you don't initially remember and the wave of grief when you realize that yes, this actually happened and no, you are no longer pregnant is enough to knock you off your feet.  For me, I'd say this lasted a full month and then it has just been on and off since then.  


The isolation is the hardest thing to deal with and I still deal with it to this day.  You pull yourself away because people just can't understand what you are going through.  You feel utterly alone and disconnected from your usual contacts; friends, family and society in general.  Most women, I think, struggle with the difficulty of essentially "re-entering society".  You cannot hide in your house forever, but hell, at times you wish you could.  There is nothing that can prepare you or help you deal with "being normal" again and sometimes you do just go through the motions like some kind of robot.  That is something that I hear so often from mothers grieving from a loss and it's so hard to help with this because I still haven't figured out how.  
You can go from not wanting to feel so alone and wishing that someone would call or come over but then when they do you wish you could leave or wish they would leave so you can be alone again.  Weird huh?     
Well, it's just as confusing for us as it is for you to try and understand it.  


Let me just say that the stages of grief really aren't as clean and neat as they make them sound.  

EDD

EDD is estimated/expected date of delivery.  Yes, my previous EDD is approaching rather quickly which makes me emotional as it does for all women who have lost a baby.

For some reason I continuously feel as if people don't think that we are still grieving from our loss.  Let me tell you a little secret, we still are and will continue to do so for a very very long time.  Just because we can smile and laugh doesn't mean that we are over it or have forgotten.

No, we don't want to hear about someone you know who is expecting or if someone had their baby.  If I don't see them on a regular basis you shouldn't tell me or my DH about it.  All this does is remind us that we are not expecting and that we were supposed to be having a baby in about a month and a half now. On Facebook, if someone I know is pregnant or has recently had a baby their posts are probably blocked for the time being.  This is actually a common thing for women to do after a miscarriage or pregnancy loss and it will take a while for me to unblock those posts.  It's not that I am angry at those people for having healthy pregnancies and babies, it's just that it hurts to see right now.
Let me make it very clear, we are happy for you if you are pregnant or have kids and we are so thankful that you have never had to experience the pain that we have.

It's not that I don't want to be told if we are friends and you find yourself expecting because we do.  We want to celebrate with you but it will still be emotional for us.  Our feelings right now are so complicated that it is hard to explain and even harder to comprehend.  Just be gentle, be sensitive and try to understand that we are on a roller coaster of emotions and will be for quite some time.  

I think the biggest emotion that I feel is ultimately jealousy.  I am jealous of those who can have babies so easily and be pregnant without the worries of complications.  I just feel that we are stuck in this rut and that people continuously pass by us but we are just stuck there waiting to be set free.  I don't know when or how that is going to happen but I hope that it is soon.

Right now I am trying to keep busy and enjoy the seasons changing.  Visiting the Apple Orchard, baking and cooking with produce that is in season, enjoying the weather and even camping.  I start my painting class Tuesday night and I think that it helps just to be able to do something for myself.  Since May I have quit a lot of things, dog training, volunteering with a raptor (bird) rehab and had quit painting.  I miss all of those things but have chosen not to overwhelm myself at this time and am trying to keep things simple.