I have officially entered the scary time of my pregnancy. I am 17 weeks 4 days today.
My cervix was stable on Tuesday with a CL of around 3.4cm, it's hard to get an exact reading and they measure it multiple times! My last appointments my CL was 3.3cm, 3.6cm and now 3.4cm so that is great. There is no funneling or any sign of changes taking place. The cervix is a weird organ and can change length constantly but it is unlikely, but possible that it could shorten dramatically by next Tuesday. Dr. P just said to really watch things this week, abnormal discharge or cramping is the first sign something is wrong.
If I were going to have any cervical issues it would likely happen in the next few weeks so I am KMFX that my cervix stays nice and stable!
The other fear comes from losing Lindsey. I checked in to the hospital at exactly 18 weeks with her and had her 5 days later at 18 weeks 5 days. Just approaching that time period in this pregnancy is terrifying. I would love to say that I won't be nervous anymore after making it to 19 weeks without complications but that would be a lie. I am going to be terrified until we reach 26-28 weeks when our little guy has the best chance of survival if he is premature. Even being born at that GA is risky and he can end up in the hospital for weeks or months but we are just hoping beyond hope that I can carry him to full term, 37 weeks.
Another thing that I learned is that I am GBS + or Group B Strep +. Many people are actually, I am just a chronic carrier. Dr P actually thinks that this may have caused us to lose Lindsey last time because GBS is powerful enough to cause a bad infection and cause premature birth. However, the doctors did not do the right tests after we lost Lindsey to determine what kind of infection was present. They jumped to conclusions and decided I had IC without looking into any other possibilities, which makes no sense to me whatsoever but you can't change the past right?
After looking over my medical history with Dr. P, I tend to agree with her that the infections was first. I did some research about GBS and my symptoms did fit. We won't know for sure, ever, which is hard but we can make some educated guesses about what happened.
The placenta was severely infected and possibly even Lindsey.
So the biggest fear for me right now is having or getting an infection and not knowing it. There were really no symptoms last time that would have made me think I had an infection besides the dilating but by that time I was very infected and very sick. Dr. P indirectly said that I was lucky to have made it out of the hospital with my reproductive organs and my life. She also disagreed with the course of treatment that I was put on.
Ok, back to infection.
I have already had GBS found in my urine and was put on ampicillian QID for 7 days to clear that up. I make sure that my urine is checked for GBS at least every month. I think they will do it when I ask actually because I told them that they were doing it this past appointment! I am just totally terrified that GBS has infected me and that I won't know it and when I think about that I just panic so I try to just tell myself everything is okay. I am going to express my concern at my next appt. on Tuesday so that maybe they can do something, like blood work or tell me something to ease my mind. I'm just really freaking out about it more and more as i approach 18 weeks.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
A New Path
The reason I haven't posted in the last few weeks is simply because of how overwhelmed I have been. We have learned a lot, had to make a lot of big decisions and it has been exhausting physically and emotionally.
After being pushed in one direction by my regular OB, we sought a second opinion from a MFM Doctor. I didn't really expect to be switching doctors or hearing our story in such a different way. However, the first MFM doc we saw was from Swedish American Hospital. He and his staff were wonderful and the office was calming and free of confusion and stress.
He looked through my medical records and asked a lot of questions. Ultimately, his final recommendation was to monitor my cervical length weekly until we were out of the danger zone of having issues with an incompetent cervix. The reasoning behind this was that I had a bad infection when I was admitted to the hospital and it was impossible to tell why I was dilating with that kind of infection present. IC is overly diagnosed and cerclage is overly used, two things of which I already knew but to this point we have been told that we needed a cerclage. He was confident that it was most likely if I did have any cervical changes that they would catch it on one of the u/s before anything bad happened and put a cerclage in. He also said that it is possible I do need the cerclage, but it is impossible to tell.
We fought with the decision of getting the cerclage and not getting it for weeks. It was very stressful to say the least, as you feel that you are making a life or death decision for your unborn baby. So many fears and questions run through your mind. Everyone has an opinion too. "You should do this, you should do that"…. it helps to hear everyone's opinions and ideas of course. Everyone has a different perspective but it's hard to make a decision when everyone is telling you what they think you should do.
We, more than anyone else in the world, are putting our baby first, to give our baby the best chance while also minimizing the risks for both me and baby. Some people didn't seem to understand why I even considered myself when making the choice. I almost lost my ability to have a baby with Lindsey, I could have even died and I don't see how me doing that again will benefit anyone.
We made the decision to be monitored and not get the cerclage unless it was needed. Our regular OB did not agree with this decision when we told her at our next appt. I was just a mess after that appointment. She told me she remembered better than I did about what happened before, during and after my loss. I just felt confused and guilty for disagreeing with her. When I think back, I really did not feel comfortable and I felt like our decision wasn't being taken seriously. Not to mention the chaos of that office….
She then told us that we were seeing a MFM doctor the next morning to get another opinion. I assume she wanted someone to agree with her about the cerclage. So we went to this other doctor ready to hear whatever she had to say.
Well she thought even more than the other MFM doc that the infection was first. She also said that it cannot be ruled out that I will not need a cerclage but that she would suggest waiting so that there was no unnecessary surgery or risks. All in all, we ended up transferring to MFM at Rockford Memorial Hospital with Dr. Platt. She is our primary but there are 3 other doctors, whichever is there when we are is the one that we see. I will write more about this later, just wanted to update everyone as to what happened over the last month! It has been crazy and emotional but it is settling down and we hope it stays that way!
After being pushed in one direction by my regular OB, we sought a second opinion from a MFM Doctor. I didn't really expect to be switching doctors or hearing our story in such a different way. However, the first MFM doc we saw was from Swedish American Hospital. He and his staff were wonderful and the office was calming and free of confusion and stress.
He looked through my medical records and asked a lot of questions. Ultimately, his final recommendation was to monitor my cervical length weekly until we were out of the danger zone of having issues with an incompetent cervix. The reasoning behind this was that I had a bad infection when I was admitted to the hospital and it was impossible to tell why I was dilating with that kind of infection present. IC is overly diagnosed and cerclage is overly used, two things of which I already knew but to this point we have been told that we needed a cerclage. He was confident that it was most likely if I did have any cervical changes that they would catch it on one of the u/s before anything bad happened and put a cerclage in. He also said that it is possible I do need the cerclage, but it is impossible to tell.
We fought with the decision of getting the cerclage and not getting it for weeks. It was very stressful to say the least, as you feel that you are making a life or death decision for your unborn baby. So many fears and questions run through your mind. Everyone has an opinion too. "You should do this, you should do that"…. it helps to hear everyone's opinions and ideas of course. Everyone has a different perspective but it's hard to make a decision when everyone is telling you what they think you should do.
We, more than anyone else in the world, are putting our baby first, to give our baby the best chance while also minimizing the risks for both me and baby. Some people didn't seem to understand why I even considered myself when making the choice. I almost lost my ability to have a baby with Lindsey, I could have even died and I don't see how me doing that again will benefit anyone.
We made the decision to be monitored and not get the cerclage unless it was needed. Our regular OB did not agree with this decision when we told her at our next appt. I was just a mess after that appointment. She told me she remembered better than I did about what happened before, during and after my loss. I just felt confused and guilty for disagreeing with her. When I think back, I really did not feel comfortable and I felt like our decision wasn't being taken seriously. Not to mention the chaos of that office….
She then told us that we were seeing a MFM doctor the next morning to get another opinion. I assume she wanted someone to agree with her about the cerclage. So we went to this other doctor ready to hear whatever she had to say.
Well she thought even more than the other MFM doc that the infection was first. She also said that it cannot be ruled out that I will not need a cerclage but that she would suggest waiting so that there was no unnecessary surgery or risks. All in all, we ended up transferring to MFM at Rockford Memorial Hospital with Dr. Platt. She is our primary but there are 3 other doctors, whichever is there when we are is the one that we see. I will write more about this later, just wanted to update everyone as to what happened over the last month! It has been crazy and emotional but it is settling down and we hope it stays that way!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Second Opinion
I finally made the appointment with MFM doctor for Thursday December 1st. The appointment is to get a second opinion about what I need to do to prevent what happened with Lindsey from happening again.
I trust my doctor, she is aggressive with her treatments, she is caring and understanding and she is experienced. I just don't want to put all of my eggs in one basket so to speak. I just felt a great desire to see another doctor to reaffirm that we are doing the right thing for our baby. I am prepared to do whatever I need to to ensure that this baby comes home with us and live a happy healthy life. If that means I need to be firm with the receptionists and nurses at my doctor's office then so be it.
Sadly, the more well-known and experienced MFM doctors are no longer in the Rockford area so I am meeting a new doctor on Thursday. We will be doing an u/s to check on the baby and also checking CL. I am anxious to see if my CL changed at all since my 12 week appt. Apparently the cervix changes length often but I am still hoping for a great number that isn't less than my previous 4.8cm. After the ultrasounds we will have a consult with the doctor to get his opinion on what he thinks needs to be done for me. We are definitely going forward with the cerclage no matter what the specialist says. I am more concerned with the timing of the cerclage and the starting of the 17P injections.
17P injections are thought to prevent preterm labor, which is always a concern with my history and with the cerclage. My doctor wants to start them at 17 weeks but I would prefer to start them a week earlier at 16 weeks. 16 weeks seems to be a fairly common time to start them so I don't see why that would be an issue. Since I ended up in the hospital at exactly 18 weeks 2-3cm dilated I just feel that the earlier we do the cerclage and injections the better.
For the cerclage at 14 weeks the bag of water is smaller, there is always a risk of rupture during the cerclage procedure so I just feel the earlier the better. Again, it seems fairly common to have the cerclage done at 13-14 weeks.
On another positive note, my m/s is slowly decreasing! I haven't vomited in 2 weeks!! Of course I am still on Zofran and get nauseous sometimes but it's much better lately. I am going to slowly try to decrease the Zofran but I'm afraid to do so on days that I am not at home all day, especially when I am at work for fear that I will get sick and won't be able to function. I still have all of the other fun symptoms though; sour stomach, heartburn and sometimes things tend to just come back up and burn my throat but I can usually just swallow it back down….such a fun topic!
I am exhausted from the long holiday weekend that isn't even over yet! Going to try to sneak a quick nap in the car on the way to the family's house! I was just up too early today making Crumble Top Apple Pumpkin Pie, Cranberry Fluff and Three Cheese Balls for today's festivities!
I trust my doctor, she is aggressive with her treatments, she is caring and understanding and she is experienced. I just don't want to put all of my eggs in one basket so to speak. I just felt a great desire to see another doctor to reaffirm that we are doing the right thing for our baby. I am prepared to do whatever I need to to ensure that this baby comes home with us and live a happy healthy life. If that means I need to be firm with the receptionists and nurses at my doctor's office then so be it.
Sadly, the more well-known and experienced MFM doctors are no longer in the Rockford area so I am meeting a new doctor on Thursday. We will be doing an u/s to check on the baby and also checking CL. I am anxious to see if my CL changed at all since my 12 week appt. Apparently the cervix changes length often but I am still hoping for a great number that isn't less than my previous 4.8cm. After the ultrasounds we will have a consult with the doctor to get his opinion on what he thinks needs to be done for me. We are definitely going forward with the cerclage no matter what the specialist says. I am more concerned with the timing of the cerclage and the starting of the 17P injections.
17P injections are thought to prevent preterm labor, which is always a concern with my history and with the cerclage. My doctor wants to start them at 17 weeks but I would prefer to start them a week earlier at 16 weeks. 16 weeks seems to be a fairly common time to start them so I don't see why that would be an issue. Since I ended up in the hospital at exactly 18 weeks 2-3cm dilated I just feel that the earlier we do the cerclage and injections the better.
For the cerclage at 14 weeks the bag of water is smaller, there is always a risk of rupture during the cerclage procedure so I just feel the earlier the better. Again, it seems fairly common to have the cerclage done at 13-14 weeks.
On another positive note, my m/s is slowly decreasing! I haven't vomited in 2 weeks!! Of course I am still on Zofran and get nauseous sometimes but it's much better lately. I am going to slowly try to decrease the Zofran but I'm afraid to do so on days that I am not at home all day, especially when I am at work for fear that I will get sick and won't be able to function. I still have all of the other fun symptoms though; sour stomach, heartburn and sometimes things tend to just come back up and burn my throat but I can usually just swallow it back down….such a fun topic!
I am exhausted from the long holiday weekend that isn't even over yet! Going to try to sneak a quick nap in the car on the way to the family's house! I was just up too early today making Crumble Top Apple Pumpkin Pie, Cranberry Fluff and Three Cheese Balls for today's festivities!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Baby Pics & 2nd Appt.
Well here's the good news! Baby is growing wonderfully, 12w1d but baby is measuring a day ahead so that's great.
HR 160 bpm (baby heartbeat)
CL 4.8cm (cervical length) - great so far!
We had an NT scan done also which screens for trisomy 21 (downs) and 18. You can see the little space on the back of the baby, the black space is what they measure, the width. We only did the test because our doctor says that it can catch treatable things, like problems with the placenta. We are anticipating no problems but it was fun to see the LO on the screen for so long!
All the u/s together probably took 20-30 minutes! We got to see the baby sucking its thumb and kicking its arms and legs! I really really enjoyed the time we could watch and it definitely helped me bond to this LO. The baby looked so content just laying there and kicking, loved it!
Then we got down to business. The main concern is the cerclage. My doctor is planning on doing it after 15 weeks but I disagree and would like it done around 14 weeks. The more people I talk to that have had a cerclage have had them put in around 14 weeks and sometimes earlier. She would like to start me on 17P injections (progesterone) 17 weeks but I am thinking about asking to do it at 16 weeks because that seems quite common as well.
She was very open about us getting a second opinion but now I'm worried we won't be able to get in to MFM (maternal fetal medicine) doctor in time since I am 14 weeks in just 2 short weeks!
We just want to do what is right for the baby, I love and trust my doctor but I just feel the need to double check everything. She is 60 years old and has a lot of experience but younger doctors also have something more to offer, they have more recently graduated and may be more up to date on new procedures and protocols. I would really like to hear what they each have to say and make a decision based off of that info. Guess I'm going to be calling the doctor's office first thing tomorrow morning to discuss it!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
POAS
I just wanted to share my pee stick pics! I just loved to watch the lines grow darker each day!
"Morning" sickness
This is something that not every pregnant woman has to deal with, vomiting and nausea during pregnancy. Some say that I am lucky to experience it because I have symptoms and sometimes I agree, but if I could have a healthy baby without all of this, I would do it! I know this isn't a pleasant topic but I really think most people have no idea how bad this can be for some people and I certainly struggle with it. If you are squeamish or don't care to hear about vomit you may not want to read this post!!
I have pretty severe m/s (morning sickness - doesn't necessarily occur during the morning!) this pregnancy, as I did with Lindsey. It started a little after 6 weeks where all of the sudden I was vomiting at all hours of the day. Some mornings I would wake up just to throw up in the trash can next to my bed. One of the most unpleasant things to vomit has to be stomach bile, it's what you throw up when your stomach is empty, it's yellow, acidic and has a horrid taste as you can imagine, oh and it also burns as it comes up! I think the absolute hardest times for m/s is when you first start experiencing it. I wasn't on any meds for it and it's weird to go from feeling completely normal to not being able to keep anything down.
I pretty much stuck to liquid foods in the beginning because they are so much easier to deal with if they come back up. Things I ate were: apple sauce, yogurt, jello, chicken broth, juice, ginger ale and that's about it. As you can imagine, when I finally was able to eat I could eat for an hour straight if I allowed myself to! People have all of these little tricks of what to eat or do to help decrease m/s, well those stupid little things did not help me! I seriously felt like I had some nasty food poisoning because as soon as I would eat something I could feel my insides just squirming and I could tell my stomach was not happy that I was trying to put something into it.
I eventually called a nurse at my doctor's office as I got to the point where I couldn't even keep a sip of water or ginger ale down and I knew I was getting dehydrated. I just felt sick, weak, and exhausted to the point where I seriously considered going to the hospital to get fluids and something for the nausea. However, eventually I could eat and drink in the evenings, maybe my body just got so hungry it gave up and let me win for a little while!
Well, ever since about 7 weeks I have been on a generic Zofran which is used for pregnant women and people on chemo. It helps me a lot but I still have days where I am very nauseous and sometimes still vomit. I take them 2x daily but they only last about 6 hours so by the time the evening hits I am done moving around.
The smells are one thing that can still get to me. I feel like I have a constant bad smell in my nose. Everything stinks to me most of the time; perfume, soap, fabric softener, some candles, air fresheners and I'm pretty sure I always find a bad smell even if there isn't one. It's actually really hard because I feel like walking around with my sleeve over my nose most of the time! Smells can actually make me vomit.
Last pregnancy my m/s started decreasing slowly and was pretty much gone by 15 weeks. I am hoping the same thing will happen this time or even sooner! 15 weeks is only 3 weeks away so I am almost there!!
I have pretty severe m/s (morning sickness - doesn't necessarily occur during the morning!) this pregnancy, as I did with Lindsey. It started a little after 6 weeks where all of the sudden I was vomiting at all hours of the day. Some mornings I would wake up just to throw up in the trash can next to my bed. One of the most unpleasant things to vomit has to be stomach bile, it's what you throw up when your stomach is empty, it's yellow, acidic and has a horrid taste as you can imagine, oh and it also burns as it comes up! I think the absolute hardest times for m/s is when you first start experiencing it. I wasn't on any meds for it and it's weird to go from feeling completely normal to not being able to keep anything down.
I pretty much stuck to liquid foods in the beginning because they are so much easier to deal with if they come back up. Things I ate were: apple sauce, yogurt, jello, chicken broth, juice, ginger ale and that's about it. As you can imagine, when I finally was able to eat I could eat for an hour straight if I allowed myself to! People have all of these little tricks of what to eat or do to help decrease m/s, well those stupid little things did not help me! I seriously felt like I had some nasty food poisoning because as soon as I would eat something I could feel my insides just squirming and I could tell my stomach was not happy that I was trying to put something into it.
I eventually called a nurse at my doctor's office as I got to the point where I couldn't even keep a sip of water or ginger ale down and I knew I was getting dehydrated. I just felt sick, weak, and exhausted to the point where I seriously considered going to the hospital to get fluids and something for the nausea. However, eventually I could eat and drink in the evenings, maybe my body just got so hungry it gave up and let me win for a little while!
Well, ever since about 7 weeks I have been on a generic Zofran which is used for pregnant women and people on chemo. It helps me a lot but I still have days where I am very nauseous and sometimes still vomit. I take them 2x daily but they only last about 6 hours so by the time the evening hits I am done moving around.
The smells are one thing that can still get to me. I feel like I have a constant bad smell in my nose. Everything stinks to me most of the time; perfume, soap, fabric softener, some candles, air fresheners and I'm pretty sure I always find a bad smell even if there isn't one. It's actually really hard because I feel like walking around with my sleeve over my nose most of the time! Smells can actually make me vomit.
Last pregnancy my m/s started decreasing slowly and was pretty much gone by 15 weeks. I am hoping the same thing will happen this time or even sooner! 15 weeks is only 3 weeks away so I am almost there!!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Fears
I told myself and my dh that we would be positive with our next pregnancy. We would celebrate it every day and not live in fear as we did with Lindsey from the first day we found out I was pregnant. We were always waiting to buy things, waiting to tell people, waiting to pick names, always waiting. I didn't want to act like something would go wrong this time. I know the possibilities, believe me, they lurk in the back of my mind but I do my best to deal them!
I am fighting the urge more and more every day to wait and wonder, instead of celebrate.
The first thing is getting through the first trimester or at least making it past the early stages. After my first 8 week u/s I was much more confident that things are going to be ok.
Being on progesterone I am more scared. The progesterone keeps the pregnancy going and my fear is always a repeat of my first m/c where it was missed for 2 weeks because I was on progesterone and nature could not take it's course. However, with my last pregnancy I was also on progesterone and everything was fine. That is just a very real fear for me and the one that I am struggling with right now.
The next big step will be the second u/s, which is on Monday, November 21st. I will be 12 weeks and 1 day so we should be able to see a bigger baby and hear the heartbeat again! I just love watching them squirm around on the screen!
Another thing taking place at our next appt. is getting a baseline cervical length. There is not much weight on my cervix at this point (it really starts with significant weight at 18-20 weeks) so we are just going to check it and see if or how it changes after the cerclage and as the baby gets bigger.
I am feeling confident that the baby is doing well since I have had no signs of anything being wrong.
We should also be discussing and scheduling the cerclage at the appt. on Monday. I need to start networking with other cerclage moms because I am terrified about the whole thing. I have heard tons of success stories but also a few unsuccessful stories that just scare me to death. There are risks during the procedure, after and every day after that. I know it's going to be hard emotionally and probably physically as well. I worried about complications after the cerclage; contractions, infection and bleeding. The cerclage is a huge step in this pregnancy but I know that I'm going to need a lot of support because it is going to be terrifying for us. BUT we hope that it is the thing that will help us to bring this baby home next spring!
I am fighting the urge more and more every day to wait and wonder, instead of celebrate.
The first thing is getting through the first trimester or at least making it past the early stages. After my first 8 week u/s I was much more confident that things are going to be ok.
Being on progesterone I am more scared. The progesterone keeps the pregnancy going and my fear is always a repeat of my first m/c where it was missed for 2 weeks because I was on progesterone and nature could not take it's course. However, with my last pregnancy I was also on progesterone and everything was fine. That is just a very real fear for me and the one that I am struggling with right now.
The next big step will be the second u/s, which is on Monday, November 21st. I will be 12 weeks and 1 day so we should be able to see a bigger baby and hear the heartbeat again! I just love watching them squirm around on the screen!
Another thing taking place at our next appt. is getting a baseline cervical length. There is not much weight on my cervix at this point (it really starts with significant weight at 18-20 weeks) so we are just going to check it and see if or how it changes after the cerclage and as the baby gets bigger.
I am feeling confident that the baby is doing well since I have had no signs of anything being wrong.
We should also be discussing and scheduling the cerclage at the appt. on Monday. I need to start networking with other cerclage moms because I am terrified about the whole thing. I have heard tons of success stories but also a few unsuccessful stories that just scare me to death. There are risks during the procedure, after and every day after that. I know it's going to be hard emotionally and probably physically as well. I worried about complications after the cerclage; contractions, infection and bleeding. The cerclage is a huge step in this pregnancy but I know that I'm going to need a lot of support because it is going to be terrifying for us. BUT we hope that it is the thing that will help us to bring this baby home next spring!
Second & Third blood draw
The results of my second draw (taken 9/28) was given to me on Thursday 9/29. My progesterone had dropped to 20.5 BUT my hCG rose to 585! It more than doubled in 48 hours so that is great!
The progesterone concerned me more than anything and caused me to panic inside a little. What does this mean? Could something be wrong with the baby's genetics again, like my first pregnancy? The nurse reassured me that this happens all the time in healthy pregnancies and is not always an indicator that something is wrong. They wanted to repeat the progesterone levels to make sure it wasn't a lab variability. I went in that day for another progesterone blood draw. By now my arm was black and blue but not painful. Since my veins suck I usually only get blood drawn from my right arm. I make sure to drink plenty of water before my draws to ensure they can get the vein with no problem!
There is nothing worse when getting your blood taken when they have to dig around for the vein, ouch! This time was actually more painful than normal, probably from being stabbed two times previously in the past week!
In the meantime I was instructed to start progesterone just in case because they did not want my levels to fall too low because that can compromise the pregnancy. I picked up my progesterone on my way home but wanted to hold out starting them until I got the results the next morning. I know from experience that you cannot start and then stop progesterone supplements. Friday morning they called to say my levels dropped even more to 17.5. Little to say I started the progesterone as soon as I hung up the phone!
I was assured that this would take care of my levels and they would likely increase as soon as I start the progesterone. I would likely be getting rechecked next week, the week of 10/3 to make sure the levels in fact did go back up.
They went back up after my next blood draw!! YAY!
Then at my doctor's appointment on 10/26 they were all the way up to 24.5 which is great for me. They had better be up with an extra 200 mg of progesterone taken daily!
The progesterone concerned me more than anything and caused me to panic inside a little. What does this mean? Could something be wrong with the baby's genetics again, like my first pregnancy? The nurse reassured me that this happens all the time in healthy pregnancies and is not always an indicator that something is wrong. They wanted to repeat the progesterone levels to make sure it wasn't a lab variability. I went in that day for another progesterone blood draw. By now my arm was black and blue but not painful. Since my veins suck I usually only get blood drawn from my right arm. I make sure to drink plenty of water before my draws to ensure they can get the vein with no problem!
There is nothing worse when getting your blood taken when they have to dig around for the vein, ouch! This time was actually more painful than normal, probably from being stabbed two times previously in the past week!
In the meantime I was instructed to start progesterone just in case because they did not want my levels to fall too low because that can compromise the pregnancy. I picked up my progesterone on my way home but wanted to hold out starting them until I got the results the next morning. I know from experience that you cannot start and then stop progesterone supplements. Friday morning they called to say my levels dropped even more to 17.5. Little to say I started the progesterone as soon as I hung up the phone!
I was assured that this would take care of my levels and they would likely increase as soon as I start the progesterone. I would likely be getting rechecked next week, the week of 10/3 to make sure the levels in fact did go back up.
They went back up after my next blood draw!! YAY!
Then at my doctor's appointment on 10/26 they were all the way up to 24.5 which is great for me. They had better be up with an extra 200 mg of progesterone taken daily!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
First things First
After my BFP on 9/24/11, I called my doctor first thing Monday morning.
I was instructed to come in for betas and also requested to have my progesterone levels checked. What I mean by betas is checking hCG levels and progesterone is the hormone that maintains a pregnancy and I have a history of dropping levels of it.
This went smoothly, you just stop in the doctor's office for a blood draw and they call you the next morning. I was guessing I was very very early, only about 3 weeks 6 days on 9/26. I use very sensitive HPTs, 10 miu!
The next morning I got my results from Monday and it was great news! My hCG was 241 and progesterone 22.2. My doctors like to see progesterone in the 20's so that was great! hCG levels are more difficult, as the only way you can tell if they are good is if they double every 48-72 hours and should never drop.
This is where the difficulties began with my doctor's office. The nurse who initially told me to come in for the blood work instructed me to come back in 48 hours for the second blood draw. The nurse that gave me the results Tuesday morning told me that I didn't need to come back and that I wouldn't be see until I was 8-10 weeks. I was taking a nap at the time and answered the phone a little groggy and my head just wasn't clear or I would have had a fit right then and there.
In the past I have always had second blood draws because it is important to make sure hCG is doubling and I have always had close to 6-7 week viability u/s so I was a little upset. The nurse seemed to have no idea that I had a history of m/c and that I am a high risk patient.
I was pretty upset and angry because this is not the first time that I have had issues with the nurses not knowing what is going on. One nurse actually asked me if I was bottle feeding when she was setting me up for the SHG in July, you should feel confident in your doctor's office, not afraid of what they are going to say or not say! Another thing is that sometimes the nurses call me 2-4 times to tell me the same thing that another nurse has already called about! Things like this have been going on since I first started going there in Fall 2010 and this was just the last straw. I couldn't deal with an office who was so unorganized during a high risk pregnancy. Little to say I had had enough and wrote a comment card to the office about my concerns.
Wednesday morning I called back and firmly stated to the receptionist that I am a high risk patient, that i want my levels redrawn and that I want a viability u/s. I promptly got a call back from one of the nurses that I like talking to and she told me to come in for another blood draw that afternoon. Of course, I was working until 7pm so I had to figure out some way to leave for an hour or more! She explained everything I needed to hear and answered all of my questions. She gave me a timeline of when things would occur and helped set my mind at ease. The only thing that my doctor was not going to do was an early u/s. I understand that and I only had to wait until I was 8 weeks so not a huge deal, right? It may actually be better that way!
Here are my HPTs from 11DPO - 14DPO. Isn't it amazing how the lines change daily!?
I was instructed to come in for betas and also requested to have my progesterone levels checked. What I mean by betas is checking hCG levels and progesterone is the hormone that maintains a pregnancy and I have a history of dropping levels of it.
This went smoothly, you just stop in the doctor's office for a blood draw and they call you the next morning. I was guessing I was very very early, only about 3 weeks 6 days on 9/26. I use very sensitive HPTs, 10 miu!
The next morning I got my results from Monday and it was great news! My hCG was 241 and progesterone 22.2. My doctors like to see progesterone in the 20's so that was great! hCG levels are more difficult, as the only way you can tell if they are good is if they double every 48-72 hours and should never drop.
This is where the difficulties began with my doctor's office. The nurse who initially told me to come in for the blood work instructed me to come back in 48 hours for the second blood draw. The nurse that gave me the results Tuesday morning told me that I didn't need to come back and that I wouldn't be see until I was 8-10 weeks. I was taking a nap at the time and answered the phone a little groggy and my head just wasn't clear or I would have had a fit right then and there.
In the past I have always had second blood draws because it is important to make sure hCG is doubling and I have always had close to 6-7 week viability u/s so I was a little upset. The nurse seemed to have no idea that I had a history of m/c and that I am a high risk patient.
I was pretty upset and angry because this is not the first time that I have had issues with the nurses not knowing what is going on. One nurse actually asked me if I was bottle feeding when she was setting me up for the SHG in July, you should feel confident in your doctor's office, not afraid of what they are going to say or not say! Another thing is that sometimes the nurses call me 2-4 times to tell me the same thing that another nurse has already called about! Things like this have been going on since I first started going there in Fall 2010 and this was just the last straw. I couldn't deal with an office who was so unorganized during a high risk pregnancy. Little to say I had had enough and wrote a comment card to the office about my concerns.
Wednesday morning I called back and firmly stated to the receptionist that I am a high risk patient, that i want my levels redrawn and that I want a viability u/s. I promptly got a call back from one of the nurses that I like talking to and she told me to come in for another blood draw that afternoon. Of course, I was working until 7pm so I had to figure out some way to leave for an hour or more! She explained everything I needed to hear and answered all of my questions. She gave me a timeline of when things would occur and helped set my mind at ease. The only thing that my doctor was not going to do was an early u/s. I understand that and I only had to wait until I was 8 weeks so not a huge deal, right? It may actually be better that way!
Here are my HPTs from 11DPO - 14DPO. Isn't it amazing how the lines change daily!?
BFP!!!
I wrote this after getting my BFP.
On Saturday September 24, 2011 I got a BFP!
It was so light that I could barely see it and really thought that I was imagining things. After sending the pic to a Dh and a friend, they both confirmed the line was there! Thanks, for saving me during my freak out time btw.
Thankfully I had just received more HPTs in the mail from a friend an hour eariler…….I continued to POAS 2 more times that day just to confirm that the line really was there. I really worried each time that the line may have disappeared, lol. I was 11 DPO when I took that test and had only been holding my urine for about 1.5 hours. Usually you use first morning urine because it will have a higher concentration if hCG but I thought "What the heck? Let's try it!". I had gotten a BFN just the day before so I was in shock. I somewhat knew that implantation takes place a little later for me than some women so it would be rare for me to get a BFP at 10DPO.
I had an inkling that I was pregnant but I was in denial, more to protect myself from disappointment than anything. There is not much harder than seeing a BFN when you are TTC and if I could convince myself that it was going to be a BFN then I wouldn't be so upset.
I had cramps and I was exhausted since a few days after O so I had a feeling something was up.
Spent the weekend celebrating and called my doctor on Monday 9/26!!
Can you see the line??
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Emotions: Anger
The second stage of grief, anger.
"The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He/She may be angry with themself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it."
One strong emotion that I deal with from day to day is anger. It is something that comes out for me when I get frustrated with something that may or may not have to do with pregnancy or loss. I get frustrated or irritated and I can just feel the anger welling up and rising to the surface.
It appears at work, at home, with family and friends and with strangers. Sometimes the things that I get angry about are not a big deal or can be something that most people would just brush off, but if something happens at the wrong time it may just set me off. I can practically feel my bp rise!
Why am I angry?
Well, this is a complicated question. I am angry about a lot of things and especially because I cannot make sense of all that has happened to us or the women and families like us.
Why do these things happen to good people and happen to people who really really want children? How can people continually "accidentally" get pregnant but those of us who are trying for so long can't? How do bad people get to have kids and abuse and neglect them? I get angry at women who are ungrateful for their children and their pregnancies.
I am angry at myself for not noticing my symptoms earlier and wonder if maybe I would have Lindsey would still be here. I am angry at my body for not being able to carry our little girl.
I am angry at the insensitivity that I and my DH face constantly by people who just have no clue.
I am the most angry about people constantly putting the death of our baby in the same category as my first miscarriage. I am not ignoring the fact that first trimester miscarriage is hard, because it is and I have experienced that as well. After experiencing both however, I can tell you that when your baby dies in your arms and is healthy except for your body's inability to carry her until she's old enough is very different. Yes, this is my second loss but my first born child as well.
Sometimes I don't know why I am angry and I know that doesn't make sense to anyone and sometimes it doesn't make sense to me. Please help me during these times, and usually that means just ignoring my anger!
Sometimes I don't know why I am angry and I know that doesn't make sense to anyone and sometimes it doesn't make sense to me. Please help me during these times, and usually that means just ignoring my anger!
So how do I deal with this anger?
I take a moment, or many moments, to myself to calm down. Taking a few minutes to myself without interruption and just breathing, focusing on telling myself that it's okay is the easiest thing to do. Another stress reliever is massage. This is expensive of course so it's wonderful to have a DH that will do this for me!
Relaxation music is actually a big one for me. People seem to think this is funny/strange but it works. My favorite is actually nature sounds, especially water. Weis Morris Day Spa in Rockford does their massages to music like this and then add aroma therapy and it is just Heaven on Earth!
What can you do?
Try to be understanding. Understand that we are not angry at you or likely anyone but ourselves for that matter. If we are emotional please just brush it off and if you are still concerned you can ask us about how we are feeling or what we are thinking. People are afraid to do this and really, I don't think more than a few people have truly asked me how I was doing this whole time, especially now that it's in the distant past for most. It's part of my every day life now and I know it isn't for everyone that knows me, some yes, but to most people I am just another woman with fertility issues.
It's strange though, they say that you go through the stages of grief but they never tell you that the emotions will continue to revisit you over and over and over.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Pain and Guilt
"As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase."
The guilt for a mother after a pregnancy loss is strong especially in situations like mine. My baby was healthy and perfect, it was my body that couldn't support her growing weight. One common thing that I hear from women after m/c and pregnancy loss is that they feel like less of a woman because they were unable to carry a child. That feeling isn't a dominating feeling for me but it is there. You can't help feeling responsible for the pain that causes so much anguish for your Dh and family. Under those feelings I know it's not my fault but sometimes you just can't help but take the blame.
You have to get through the pain and the guilt in order to move forward. They will both knock you down again and again when you are feeling low or when you least expect it. You have to keep getting up and taking another step forward because you can't let them win. Sometimes it takes all the strength you have in you to do it but somehow you find the will power to get up, no matter how tired you are.
The way I see it is; it has already happened, you can't go back in time, you can't change the past but you can choose the way you live your life now and in the future. I know it's hard to have that mindset and you can't all the time, but you can always give it your best shot.
When you think about the next time, the next pregnancy, the fear can overwhelm you and it will if you let it. I have taught myself to be a bit more relaxed and try to deal with one thing and one day at a time. Your thoughts will race at all that can go wrong and you will get dizzy and fall by trying to deal with all of those fears at once. The first step is getting pregnant, then getting to the second trimester while dealing with your pg symptoms, then for me it's the cerclage procedure, then the after care and resting, then getting past my marker of 18w5d….I can go on forever. You worry about genetics, the placenta, the cord but you really have to try to have faith in that things will work out eventually and stay positive. Every day will be scary but we will get through it one step and one worry at a time. I can tell you that when we do bring a baby home with us, he/she will be sleeping right next to our bed until I feel more confident! We are going to be such protective parents but also happy and thankful ones!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
A Walk to Remember
I walk to remember,
the steps you'll never take.
I carry you with me
as I firmly plant my feet.
Our trek started long ago
before my belly swelled.
You were a love that grew
like butterfly wings that beat.
Your gentle flutters then became
kicks upon which I would dwell.
And I would talk to you, sweet babe,
about the world you soon would meet.
The sun always shone upon us then ~
when you were in my womb.
And I was eager to show you the world
that would have been your home.
How you'd have loved the shining
blue skies without a cloud.
The autumn leaves turning,
the snow falling all around
The flowers in the summer
would have filled your eyes with smiles.
And the rain that might have fallen
woud have caused you great surprise.
You would have traveled far with me
holding me by the hand.
And I'd have shown you all I could ~
more than I can imagine.
You hold my HEART tightly now
as though we're holding hands
How far we've traveled, little one,
and my life with you has been sweet.
For I carry you in my heart,
as I firmly plant my feet.
By Kathie Rataj Mayo ~1986
A walk to remember children lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, infant and childhood death. October 2, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Emotions: Shock, Denial and Isolation
The first stage of grief.
"At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks."
I don't know if denial is a good word. Truly it is just hard to realize that the loss has actually happened to you. I don't think I could deny that the losses had taken place, I struggled more with wrapping my head around that they actually happened and happened to us. You forget at the beginning, like when you find something to keep you busy for a little while you forget for a bit and then suddenly remember what has happened, I don't think that's denial, it's just shock and disbelief. It is especially difficult when you go to sleep at night and then wake up in the next morning because you don't initially remember and the wave of grief when you realize that yes, this actually happened and no, you are no longer pregnant is enough to knock you off your feet. For me, I'd say this lasted a full month and then it has just been on and off since then.
The isolation is the hardest thing to deal with and I still deal with it to this day. You pull yourself away because people just can't understand what you are going through. You feel utterly alone and disconnected from your usual contacts; friends, family and society in general. Most women, I think, struggle with the difficulty of essentially "re-entering society". You cannot hide in your house forever, but hell, at times you wish you could. There is nothing that can prepare you or help you deal with "being normal" again and sometimes you do just go through the motions like some kind of robot. That is something that I hear so often from mothers grieving from a loss and it's so hard to help with this because I still haven't figured out how.
You can go from not wanting to feel so alone and wishing that someone would call or come over but then when they do you wish you could leave or wish they would leave so you can be alone again. Weird huh?
Well, it's just as confusing for us as it is for you to try and understand it.
Let me just say that the stages of grief really aren't as clean and neat as they make them sound.
"At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks."
I don't know if denial is a good word. Truly it is just hard to realize that the loss has actually happened to you. I don't think I could deny that the losses had taken place, I struggled more with wrapping my head around that they actually happened and happened to us. You forget at the beginning, like when you find something to keep you busy for a little while you forget for a bit and then suddenly remember what has happened, I don't think that's denial, it's just shock and disbelief. It is especially difficult when you go to sleep at night and then wake up in the next morning because you don't initially remember and the wave of grief when you realize that yes, this actually happened and no, you are no longer pregnant is enough to knock you off your feet. For me, I'd say this lasted a full month and then it has just been on and off since then.
The isolation is the hardest thing to deal with and I still deal with it to this day. You pull yourself away because people just can't understand what you are going through. You feel utterly alone and disconnected from your usual contacts; friends, family and society in general. Most women, I think, struggle with the difficulty of essentially "re-entering society". You cannot hide in your house forever, but hell, at times you wish you could. There is nothing that can prepare you or help you deal with "being normal" again and sometimes you do just go through the motions like some kind of robot. That is something that I hear so often from mothers grieving from a loss and it's so hard to help with this because I still haven't figured out how.
You can go from not wanting to feel so alone and wishing that someone would call or come over but then when they do you wish you could leave or wish they would leave so you can be alone again. Weird huh?
Well, it's just as confusing for us as it is for you to try and understand it.
Let me just say that the stages of grief really aren't as clean and neat as they make them sound.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
EDD
EDD is estimated/expected date of delivery. Yes, my previous EDD is approaching rather quickly which makes me emotional as it does for all women who have lost a baby.
For some reason I continuously feel as if people don't think that we are still grieving from our loss. Let me tell you a little secret, we still are and will continue to do so for a very very long time. Just because we can smile and laugh doesn't mean that we are over it or have forgotten.
No, we don't want to hear about someone you know who is expecting or if someone had their baby. If I don't see them on a regular basis you shouldn't tell me or my DH about it. All this does is remind us that we are not expecting and that we were supposed to be having a baby in about a month and a half now. On Facebook, if someone I know is pregnant or has recently had a baby their posts are probably blocked for the time being. This is actually a common thing for women to do after a miscarriage or pregnancy loss and it will take a while for me to unblock those posts. It's not that I am angry at those people for having healthy pregnancies and babies, it's just that it hurts to see right now.
Let me make it very clear, we are happy for you if you are pregnant or have kids and we are so thankful that you have never had to experience the pain that we have.
It's not that I don't want to be told if we are friends and you find yourself expecting because we do. We want to celebrate with you but it will still be emotional for us. Our feelings right now are so complicated that it is hard to explain and even harder to comprehend. Just be gentle, be sensitive and try to understand that we are on a roller coaster of emotions and will be for quite some time.
I think the biggest emotion that I feel is ultimately jealousy. I am jealous of those who can have babies so easily and be pregnant without the worries of complications. I just feel that we are stuck in this rut and that people continuously pass by us but we are just stuck there waiting to be set free. I don't know when or how that is going to happen but I hope that it is soon.
Right now I am trying to keep busy and enjoy the seasons changing. Visiting the Apple Orchard, baking and cooking with produce that is in season, enjoying the weather and even camping. I start my painting class Tuesday night and I think that it helps just to be able to do something for myself. Since May I have quit a lot of things, dog training, volunteering with a raptor (bird) rehab and had quit painting. I miss all of those things but have chosen not to overwhelm myself at this time and am trying to keep things simple.
For some reason I continuously feel as if people don't think that we are still grieving from our loss. Let me tell you a little secret, we still are and will continue to do so for a very very long time. Just because we can smile and laugh doesn't mean that we are over it or have forgotten.
No, we don't want to hear about someone you know who is expecting or if someone had their baby. If I don't see them on a regular basis you shouldn't tell me or my DH about it. All this does is remind us that we are not expecting and that we were supposed to be having a baby in about a month and a half now. On Facebook, if someone I know is pregnant or has recently had a baby their posts are probably blocked for the time being. This is actually a common thing for women to do after a miscarriage or pregnancy loss and it will take a while for me to unblock those posts. It's not that I am angry at those people for having healthy pregnancies and babies, it's just that it hurts to see right now.
Let me make it very clear, we are happy for you if you are pregnant or have kids and we are so thankful that you have never had to experience the pain that we have.
It's not that I don't want to be told if we are friends and you find yourself expecting because we do. We want to celebrate with you but it will still be emotional for us. Our feelings right now are so complicated that it is hard to explain and even harder to comprehend. Just be gentle, be sensitive and try to understand that we are on a roller coaster of emotions and will be for quite some time.
I think the biggest emotion that I feel is ultimately jealousy. I am jealous of those who can have babies so easily and be pregnant without the worries of complications. I just feel that we are stuck in this rut and that people continuously pass by us but we are just stuck there waiting to be set free. I don't know when or how that is going to happen but I hope that it is soon.
Right now I am trying to keep busy and enjoy the seasons changing. Visiting the Apple Orchard, baking and cooking with produce that is in season, enjoying the weather and even camping. I start my painting class Tuesday night and I think that it helps just to be able to do something for myself. Since May I have quit a lot of things, dog training, volunteering with a raptor (bird) rehab and had quit painting. I miss all of those things but have chosen not to overwhelm myself at this time and am trying to keep things simple.
Friday, August 26, 2011
How Common is Miscarriage?
We are approaching the beginning of September. Where did the time go? I feel like I went to sleep in May, woke up and now it's almost fall! Fall brings on a whole new set of emotions for us. October was the month that Lindsey was due, actually she was pretty much due right around my birthday on the 22nd. Sometimes it seems so long ago and sometimes it feels like yesterday but more than anything it feels surreal. How many people does this actually happen to? It is not something that is generally openly talked about but I truly think it's important for people to know.
Infant loss and miscarriage are a taboo in our society. No one talks about it and no one really knows about it. I never had a clue, I mean babies aren't supposed to die these days, right? That is something that only happened hundreds of years ago when medical care was basically non-existent. However, up to 25% of all recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. Sometimes women may not even know that they are pregnant as the pregnancy can end at the same time their period is expected and they will never know about that pregnancy. A miscarriage is any pregnancy that ends on it's own before 20 weeks. These seem like high statistics don't they? I'm not hear to scare you but just to educate you about how many women really do experience this in their lifetimes.
I can tell you I have found out that about 10 women than I know personally have revealed to me that they have also had a miscarriage after they found out about mine. Remember that those are the women that actually told me and I am sure that there are more that have not said anything. On top of that I have found even more people that have admitted to me that their wives or aunt or someone close to them have also experienced miscarriage in the past. There is only one woman that I know personally that had lost her baby in the second trimester, the same time frame that we lost Lindsey. I want to point out that second trimester losses are much less common than first trimester losses. I was just shocked at the number of people that I knew personally that have struggled with this without anyone even knowing about it.
If you knew about how many things have to go just right to create life it would make more sense to you as to why things just don't work out sometimes. It's a sad fact of life but it's real.
That being said; I think it's important to go into a pregnancy with a positive attitude. Those who have had a loss I say that they have lost their pregnancy innocence and if you are allowed to keep that innocence I am so very happy for you but please be thankful for your good fortune and enjoy your pregnancy every day no matter what symptoms you may be experiencing!
Believe me, with my next pregnancy I will be hoping and praying to vomit every day! Those dramatic symptoms are a good sign that the baby is strong and healthy!
Infant loss and miscarriage are a taboo in our society. No one talks about it and no one really knows about it. I never had a clue, I mean babies aren't supposed to die these days, right? That is something that only happened hundreds of years ago when medical care was basically non-existent. However, up to 25% of all recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. Sometimes women may not even know that they are pregnant as the pregnancy can end at the same time their period is expected and they will never know about that pregnancy. A miscarriage is any pregnancy that ends on it's own before 20 weeks. These seem like high statistics don't they? I'm not hear to scare you but just to educate you about how many women really do experience this in their lifetimes.
I can tell you I have found out that about 10 women than I know personally have revealed to me that they have also had a miscarriage after they found out about mine. Remember that those are the women that actually told me and I am sure that there are more that have not said anything. On top of that I have found even more people that have admitted to me that their wives or aunt or someone close to them have also experienced miscarriage in the past. There is only one woman that I know personally that had lost her baby in the second trimester, the same time frame that we lost Lindsey. I want to point out that second trimester losses are much less common than first trimester losses. I was just shocked at the number of people that I knew personally that have struggled with this without anyone even knowing about it.
If you knew about how many things have to go just right to create life it would make more sense to you as to why things just don't work out sometimes. It's a sad fact of life but it's real.
That being said; I think it's important to go into a pregnancy with a positive attitude. Those who have had a loss I say that they have lost their pregnancy innocence and if you are allowed to keep that innocence I am so very happy for you but please be thankful for your good fortune and enjoy your pregnancy every day no matter what symptoms you may be experiencing!
Believe me, with my next pregnancy I will be hoping and praying to vomit every day! Those dramatic symptoms are a good sign that the baby is strong and healthy!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Angel Moms
Angel Moms are Moms of children who have passed away and we are forever bonded by that grief. I really believe that they are absolutely the strongest of women. I have met a lot of Angel Moms these past 3 months and I always walk away amazed at the strength, determination and faith that we all have. We understand how precious life is and how easily and quickly it can be taken away. It is our job to support each other and the new Angel Moms that unfortunately joining us daily. We raise awareness of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss and hope and pray that no other parents have to join us.
One common myth that I continuously come across is that those of who have have experienced a miscarriage and loss of a child get over it as time passes. Let me correct that for you, we don't.
It doesn't matter if we have lost a child at 6 weeks, 5 months, 37 weeks, a 4 month old child or a grown up child; the pain and the memories are still there and I know that they will never disappear.
I was talking to a woman who had a miscarriage 20 years ago and she could tell you how old her baby would have been today. The phrase "time heals all wounds" can be true for some things but sometimes the wound leaves a scar. Many women, especially those that have had an early loss that hadn't told many people about their pregnancy will keep their miscarriage to themselves. That is completely fine and normal to do that and feel that way, but it should also remind us that we don't know what others have been through in relation fertility and children.
I can tell you that one of the most painful questions that you can ask an Angel Mom is "when are you going to have kids?". This is an innocent question and unbeknownst to the person asking, this woman has had a loss and this question brings up the most painful of memories. I have personally been asked this question after my first m/c and after losing Lindsey by a few different people that did not know. I'm sure that when I respond with my reproductive history that the people feel completely awful but it still feels like someone just punched me in the stomach. You get that butterfly feeling in your chest and stomach, you skip a breath, your mind just goes blank for a moment and then you answer that dreaded question. Angel Moms understand that people just don't know and that they don't mean any harm, but that doesn't stop the pain we feel when asked.
Please remember that no matter the age of the baby or child when he/she was lost, the memory of our children will be carried with us for a lifetime. We will never get over their passing or forget about them. Please remember that you do not know what everyone is going through in relation to fertility so please don't ask that seemingly innocent question of "when are you going to have kids?.
One common myth that I continuously come across is that those of who have have experienced a miscarriage and loss of a child get over it as time passes. Let me correct that for you, we don't.
It doesn't matter if we have lost a child at 6 weeks, 5 months, 37 weeks, a 4 month old child or a grown up child; the pain and the memories are still there and I know that they will never disappear.
I was talking to a woman who had a miscarriage 20 years ago and she could tell you how old her baby would have been today. The phrase "time heals all wounds" can be true for some things but sometimes the wound leaves a scar. Many women, especially those that have had an early loss that hadn't told many people about their pregnancy will keep their miscarriage to themselves. That is completely fine and normal to do that and feel that way, but it should also remind us that we don't know what others have been through in relation fertility and children.
I can tell you that one of the most painful questions that you can ask an Angel Mom is "when are you going to have kids?". This is an innocent question and unbeknownst to the person asking, this woman has had a loss and this question brings up the most painful of memories. I have personally been asked this question after my first m/c and after losing Lindsey by a few different people that did not know. I'm sure that when I respond with my reproductive history that the people feel completely awful but it still feels like someone just punched me in the stomach. You get that butterfly feeling in your chest and stomach, you skip a breath, your mind just goes blank for a moment and then you answer that dreaded question. Angel Moms understand that people just don't know and that they don't mean any harm, but that doesn't stop the pain we feel when asked.
Please remember that no matter the age of the baby or child when he/she was lost, the memory of our children will be carried with us for a lifetime. We will never get over their passing or forget about them. Please remember that you do not know what everyone is going through in relation to fertility so please don't ask that seemingly innocent question of "when are you going to have kids?.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
So what’s the plan?
Despite what has happened this past year we still have a strong desire to be parents, maybe even more so than before. Losing a baby is probably one of the most traumatic things that a mother and father can go through and for some; this puts a halt to their journey to parenthood. For Angel Moms and Dads, all subsequent pregnancies are tough. We know too much to enjoy all the aspects of pregnancy that most parents do; we are no longer carefree, we have lost our innocence, as we Angel Moms say.
I believe the most important thing to do is research to fully understand what happened last time and what treatments are available to treat you and your LO next time. Of course, another very important thing is to have a doctor that understands and can deal with your specific situation. A good doctor will have a plan for subsequent pregnancies and will communicate that with you as my doctor has.
All of my pregnancies from here on out will be considered high risk. This simply means that my baby and I have a higher probability of something going wrong than a normal mother with no history of complications. Having lost a baby at almost 19 weeks and likely having IC puts me at higher risk for complications such as preterm labor, PROM (pre-mature rupture of the membrane), infection and so on and so forth.
As you can see in my previous post “SHG and MRI” I have had a few tests done to check for polyps, uterine abnormalities and any significant structural issues.
So here is the plan now:
Once I get a BFP your hCG (human Chorionic Gonadotropin) levels are generally checked by doing multiple blood draws. This is the hormone is produced by the cells that make up the placenta and is also the hormone which gives you that BFP! They should double every 48-72 hours.
My progesterone levels will also be tested at this time. Progesterone maintains the pregnancy until birth. My levels were on the low side of normal in the past so I generally use progesterone creams.
I will also be requesting a CBC (complete blood count) to check my white blood cell, RBC, iron, etc.
A cerclage will be placed at 13-14 weeks, or sewing the cervix shut. Done at this time, it is called a preventative cerclage. For the weeks after the cerclage is placed I will be on BR and antibiotics to ensure there are no infections.
After that I will be monitored every week to every other week. Cervical length will be checked at this time. As long as my cervix does not shorten I should not have to be on very strict BR but will have to take it easy. That means no working, no standing or walking for long periods of time, no exercise, no vacations or leaving the city and a lot of other “no’s!”.
Well, I think that’s enough info for now! This process is very long and detailed but we are just hoping for the best at this point!
Cerclage - Photo provided by Laura L. Oliver
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Appreciation
I have found a new appreciation for life this past year.
Death does that to you I guess. You can either learn to appreciate what it has taught you or you can choose to let it drown you in grief and anger.
Of course, everything takes time and most people will go through all of the stages of grief, but at different rates. I would say that the first two months after losing Lindsey were the hardest. The events that had taken place were fresh in my mind, seeing everyone for the first time and doing everything again since our loss were the most difficult things. It is hard to explain how your feelings and emotions change as time goes on. It isn’t easier but it is different. I haven’t quite found the words for it just yet. All I know is that this past month I’ve been able to appreciate the little things again; things seem brighter.
On one of my many walks around our neighborhood I realized that I was appreciating the warm sunshine and the beautiful blue sky again. During the first few months after our loss even the brightest and sunniest of days seemed dreary and insignificant.
Death, especially of a person so very close to you, remind you just how quickly life can be taken; without any warning, reminding you that it is something that you cannot control. I believe that the unknown and the things that you cannot control are the scariest for most people but you have to learn how to live with it. Learn to relax and let things happen. Of course, do what you can to make everything the best it can be but sometimes we have to learn how to deal with the things we cannot control. For me, it makes me appreciate every minute of every day. I have been taking time out of each day to appreciate the day and to do something that I enjoy doing. Generally this involves taking a walk, painting or sitting outside with a good book. I have recently signed up for level II of a painting class that I started last fall with a local artist.
We struggle sometimes. Some days are good and some are not so good but we have to learn how to deal with that and move forward.
So I guess I am just reminding everyone to appreciate life and take time to “stop and smell the roses”. 
Thursday, August 11, 2011
SHG and MRI
My SHG showed no fibroids, polyps or major concerns. It was simple and quick. The only pain I felt was when the water was injected into my uterus as my uterus was expanding I had a lot of pressure and some pain. They told me it would feel like cramps but it felt more like severe cramps to me! The good thing is that part went quickly and the whole procedure was soon over.
The only side affect afterwards was leaking water throughout the day….fun fun, and spotting which lasted only a few days. Generally any time that the cervix is messed with you will end up with spotting so no surprise there.
My MRI was yesterday. It was an MRI with and without contrast. I had to arrive at 7:30am at RMH. For all procedures like this you must get pre-approval from your insurance company or they will not pay for it. My doctor's office got all of that done for me before I even scheduled the appointment and I had also received a letter in the mail reassuring me that it was an approved MRI. Of course, with an MRI you cannot wear any metal of any kind and they ask you many questions before hand to ensure that there is no chance of metal being in your body. The MRI machine uses magnetic fields and pulses of radio wave energy to look at, in my case, my pelvis including uterus and ovaries. WebMD explains what an MRI in more detail.
For MRI study of your pelvis you have to lay on your back and they put this coil over the lower half of your body and kind of strap you in. I was thankful that I did not have to go very far into the tunnel of the MRI machine, I wouldn't say I am claustrophobic but who likes to be stuck in very small space like that? I was given headphones with music playing. However, when the machine was going I could only faintly hear the music. The machine makes loud taps and pulsing noises during the sets. In between the imaging sets I was allowed to move or adjust if I needed to, but while the machine was going you are not to move in any way! For the last two sets I was injected with contrast. It was injected into the vein in my arm in which blood is usually drawn from.
Thankfully, I received the results the same day! They had been reviewed by the radiologist at the hospital and then by my doctor. The results only showed what we had already learned from the SHG. I have an arcuate uterus.
The only side affect afterwards was leaking water throughout the day….fun fun, and spotting which lasted only a few days. Generally any time that the cervix is messed with you will end up with spotting so no surprise there.
My MRI was yesterday. It was an MRI with and without contrast. I had to arrive at 7:30am at RMH. For all procedures like this you must get pre-approval from your insurance company or they will not pay for it. My doctor's office got all of that done for me before I even scheduled the appointment and I had also received a letter in the mail reassuring me that it was an approved MRI. Of course, with an MRI you cannot wear any metal of any kind and they ask you many questions before hand to ensure that there is no chance of metal being in your body. The MRI machine uses magnetic fields and pulses of radio wave energy to look at, in my case, my pelvis including uterus and ovaries. WebMD explains what an MRI in more detail.
For MRI study of your pelvis you have to lay on your back and they put this coil over the lower half of your body and kind of strap you in. I was thankful that I did not have to go very far into the tunnel of the MRI machine, I wouldn't say I am claustrophobic but who likes to be stuck in very small space like that? I was given headphones with music playing. However, when the machine was going I could only faintly hear the music. The machine makes loud taps and pulsing noises during the sets. In between the imaging sets I was allowed to move or adjust if I needed to, but while the machine was going you are not to move in any way! For the last two sets I was injected with contrast. It was injected into the vein in my arm in which blood is usually drawn from.
Thankfully, I received the results the same day! They had been reviewed by the radiologist at the hospital and then by my doctor. The results only showed what we had already learned from the SHG. I have an arcuate uterus.
A. is a normal uterus. B is unicornuate C. is arcuate (which is what I have) D. Septate E. Bicornuate F. Didelphic uterus with a septate vagina
These images are from GLOWM.
My doctor said that an arcuate uterus is not known to cause any pregnancy complications so she is not concerned and believes that I can carry and deliver a healthy baby.
Next week is my fertile week so KMFX for a BFP in the next few weeks!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
First Steps
Wednesday July 27th I will have my first diagnostic test, an SHG or sonohysterogram.
This is a diagnostic test used to look inside the uterus to identify any abnormalities. While we are not expecting anything unusual but I am still nervous about the possibilities and the procedure itself.
My plan is to focus on learning about what I am seeing on the u/s screen and to ask a lot of questions. This will distract me from any discomfort I feel and hopefully help me relax. I'm sure it will all be over before I know it, but I just hate procedures! I better get used to them because they aren't going to stop any time soon…...
Today is really not helping my anxieties. I feel like crawling into bed and sleeping for the rest of the week! I am irritated and emotional. I haven't really felt this way since the raging hormones of my last pregnancy and it's not something I enjoy experiencing unless I'm pregnant! I actually think it's PMS!
I am hoping that we will be getting the green light to TTC again after tomorrow's SHG. That is, if my doctor and I are on the same page and I have no reason to not believe she is. I am about 7 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight still but I have been making progress over this past month and continue to lose weight. My plan is to continue exercising as long as I am physically able to!
This appt. and the possibility of TTC again this month are bringing on a whole new set of emotions. I am thrilled but at the same time terrified. However, my old routines have resumed and I am in a better place than I was a month ago. I am still completely devastated when thinking about the loss of our Lindsey but I've been able to deal with those emotions as they come and go, but also to focus on my life and every day activities better than ever.
Wish me luck for tomorrow!
This is a diagnostic test used to look inside the uterus to identify any abnormalities. While we are not expecting anything unusual but I am still nervous about the possibilities and the procedure itself.
My plan is to focus on learning about what I am seeing on the u/s screen and to ask a lot of questions. This will distract me from any discomfort I feel and hopefully help me relax. I'm sure it will all be over before I know it, but I just hate procedures! I better get used to them because they aren't going to stop any time soon…...
Today is really not helping my anxieties. I feel like crawling into bed and sleeping for the rest of the week! I am irritated and emotional. I haven't really felt this way since the raging hormones of my last pregnancy and it's not something I enjoy experiencing unless I'm pregnant! I actually think it's PMS!
I am hoping that we will be getting the green light to TTC again after tomorrow's SHG. That is, if my doctor and I are on the same page and I have no reason to not believe she is. I am about 7 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight still but I have been making progress over this past month and continue to lose weight. My plan is to continue exercising as long as I am physically able to!
This appt. and the possibility of TTC again this month are bringing on a whole new set of emotions. I am thrilled but at the same time terrified. However, my old routines have resumed and I am in a better place than I was a month ago. I am still completely devastated when thinking about the loss of our Lindsey but I've been able to deal with those emotions as they come and go, but also to focus on my life and every day activities better than ever.
Wish me luck for tomorrow!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
What Makes a Mother?
I wanted to share this, it brought tears to my eyes.
What Makes a Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,
A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"
So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother”
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one.
~Jennifer Wasik~
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